


No way back

by thousand_miles



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-05-17 00:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14821421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousand_miles/pseuds/thousand_miles
Summary: After their argument about her betrayal May starts a new life at Stark Industries. Coulson searches for her and finds her. But will she come back or has there been too much damage done?





	1. Stark Industries

**Author's Note:**

> I’m still kinda new to this show and fandom so I don’t know all that is going to happen. So far I’ve seen S1 and a few eps of S2. I was so angry at Coulson for how he treated May in the ep Providence. He threw years of friendship away and I felt like he had some serious apologizing to do. This is my way of dealing with that fight.
> 
> I know he will be Director and I won’t really be going into how the fact that he’s still was revealed to Tony, Maria and Pepper. 
> 
> Also I like the idea of Melinda, Pepper and Maria being friends and Melinda finding her way at Stark Industries.  
> One last remark. English isn’t my native language so sorry for any mistakes.

Chapter one

Working out had always been her way of clearing her mind. So here she was, just like every day, in Stark Industries gym. It had been a while now since she’d left her old life behind and had started at Stark Industries. After leaving SHIELD she had been at a loss. She’d stayed at her mother’s for only a week before moving on. Contacting Maria Hill seemed to be a logical step. Maria had only just started working at Stark Industries, but had managed to get her a job too. Her only demand was that there’d be no digital paper trail of her employment. She didn’t want anyone from her former team find her. Though she missed the team, missed the action, she liked it here. That in itself was already quite a surprise. Stark had put her in charge of Pepper’s security team and gave her all the freedom to do what she wanted. He was a good person to bounce ideas off and he seemed to really value her opinion. Add to that that Pepper was a great person to work for and had become a good friend. Neither of them doubted her or her abilities and seemed to put their trust in her. Something she needed at this moment in time. All in all, her sudden departure form SHIELD had ended up better than she’d expected.

That didn’t mean she didn’t think about them anymore. She thought about her team each and every day and she still worried about them. She was afraid that one day she was going to get the news that all of them were gone and that it was her fault. But leaving had been the only option. There was no place for her on the team anymore. Not when there was no longer any trust. Not when such harsh words had been spoken by the one person she trusted most. The anger and betrayal she’d seen in his eyes still haunted her dreams. As did those words. She meant nothing to him anymore. He held no faith in her and maybe he had never had. Maybe, all that she thought they had, their years of friendship, maybe that was all a lie. Looking back, that seemed to be the only conclusion. Phil had never been the person she thought he was and she’d been wrong in giving so much of herself to him. She still couldn’t believe that her words had meant so little to him. He’d waved her words of caring away as if she’d only said them to placate him. Apparently her best friend had never truly known her. That hurt, that betrayal, it would take a lot of time for those wounds to heal, if they ever would. The loss of her best friend, this time not because he was presumed dead, but because he didn’t want her anymore, that was a hole in her heart that would probably never heal.

However what she did know was that she was a survivor and she would also get through this. It was another battle she was going to win. Sure more bruised and beaten up than before, but that only meant she had to toughen up even more. She would not make the same mistake again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me and Melinda May wasn’t a fool.

Maria observed her friend as she punched the boxing bag with quite some force. She was happy Melinda was here. It was nice to have her friend around. She knew Tony and Pepper were happy to have her around too. Even Melinda seemed sort of happy at times, but the sadness in her eyes, that never seemed to disappear. Melinda had refused to tell her what had happened. But she knew her, knew that she would never run away from anything or any one. This left two options, one; her quitting was her merely been following orders, but that didn’t seem right. Her refusal to have any contact at all with her former team, even more so with Agent Coulson, brought her to option two; she had been forced to leave. No matter how many times, in whatever way, she asked, Melinda never talked about it. That subject was not to be spoken about. Another subject not to be spoken about was Phil Coulson which could only mean Phil Coulson was the reason Melinda May had left and even more important the reason for the sadness in her friend’s eyes. She’d known Phil and Melinda for years, every since the academy, and she’d known them as best friends. Throughout their highs and lows, and there had been many, they could always count on each other. How could it be that their foundation suddenly meant nothing anymore. What had happened? She wanted to know but she wasn’t going to contact Coulson. It was clear that Melinda didn’t want any contact anymore with him and she would respect that. So she was going to be the friend Melinda needed at the moment and she would defend her whenever necessary. Grabbing two pairs of boxing gloves Maria approached her friend. “How about it?” She asked, holding the gloves up. 

Looking up, May smiled. She never did say no to a round of boxing. She nodded and took the gloves. Both women were in good shape and boxing was one of their strengths and whenever they went head to head, it was a good exercise for both of them. 

A short while later Pepper joined them in the gym. She watched her two friends in the boxing ring as she stretched before she started on the threadmill. She was happy Maria and Melinda had joined their company. They knew what it took for her to run the company, knew how busy she was. She never had to apologize if she missed one of their girl nights or dinners because of work or because she wanted to spend time with Tony. She didn’t know Melinda very long yet, but she had come to really enjoy the woman’s quiet nature. Melinda May was someone you knew you could always count on, no matter what and with her being in charge of her security, Pepper knew she didn’t have to worry and neither did Tony. Melinda didn’t say much but when she did, she was always direct and honest and she liked that too. As a CEO she had a lot of people who lacked those qualities. She had worried about her in the beginning when she’d heard about Melinda’s demand of no paper trail. She’d worried she was in danger, but after Tony had checked some things out there didn’t seem to be any threats. It probably had something to do with her history at SHIELD. Pepper had tried to talk to Melinda about it but clearly the subject was off limits and she respected that. She had only asked that if there was anything she could do, to let her know which Melinda had answered with that all familiar nodd. She did still wander about the sadness in her eyes. Something had hurt her deeply and just like SHIELD it was off limits. She’d talked to Maria about it and it seemed like Agent Phil Coulson was the reason for the sadness. She didn’t know Phil very well, but he seemed like a decent guy. Maria had told her Phil and Melinda had quite a history. She wondered what that exactly meant, but Maria hadn’t really elaborated on it. 

A short while later Tony Stark entered the gym. He grinned as he saw the three women. How his life had changed these last couple of years and he could only say it was for the better. His eyes immediately sought out Pepper and admired her form for a moment. Pepper Potts was one special lady and he felt blessed she was strong enough to endure his erratic behavior. He looked at the two women in the boxing ring. Both a true asset to their company and also to their private live. He considered them friends and he was happy Pepper had them in her life. Also he felt better knowing May was there to make sure Pepper was safe. Melinda May was a no nonsense woman who also seemed to be able to shut him up with a mere look. He liked that about her. He’d looked at her SHIELD file and knew she was a more than capable fighter, trustworthy and very good at what she did. He had no doubt that if necessary Melinda May would give her life to protect the woman he loved. He walked up to Pepper and stopped the threadmill.

“Hey!” Pepper exclaimed.

He grinned at her. He liked riling her up. “How about a bet?” He nodded towards the boxing ring. 

Knowing he wouldn’t leave her alone until the bet was made she grabbed her towel and bottle of water and followed him to the ring. “What are the stakes?” 

“If you win, you get to wear the suit.” He knew she wanted to. “If I win, you throw a party for me.”

“Really? You want a party?”

“Yeah, I do.” 

“Fine. Melinda’s going to take Maria down in the next ten minutes.” 

Tony shook his head. “No. Melinda’s going to go down in the next five.”

“Deal.” They shook hands and Tony stole a kiss before they turned their attention to the boxing ring. 

They didn’t have to wait long to because not even a minute later, Maria Hill was down on the floor. “Hand over the suit mister.” Pepper grinned.

“No, it was less than 10 minutes.” Tony objected.

“If it’s about the minutes then no one won. No, I bet Melinda would take down Maria. She did. I win. I get to wear the suit.”

“Fine.” Tony mumbled. “Maria.” Tony addressed the woman who was currently being helped back on her feet again by Melinda. “I expected more from you. And Melinda,..” He turned to the other woman. “Next time we’ll go a few rounds in the ring, okay?”

Melinda nodded and smiled her familiar small smile. She could handle Tony. 

“Then I’ll invite Bruce and Steve. They are going to want to see you getting your ass kicked by Melinda.” Pepper grinned. 

TBC...


	2. Searching for Melinda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil visits Melinda’s mother hoping she’ll tell him where Melinda is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the second chapter. I promise, Phil and Melinda will eventually meet. I just need to set things up first.

He was an idiot. Phil Coulson, Director of SHIELD, was a complete idiot because he’d let the most important person in his life walk out of it. Or better said, he’d pushed her away. He’d let his emotions get the better of him. He replayed their final conversation over and over again in his mind every night. No matter how many times he relived it, he still woke up with a hole in his heart that seemed to get bigger with each passing day. He only had himself to blame and he was pretty sure the others blamed him too. They had every right too and he didn’t blame them. He was even harder on himself. Melinda May was gone, his best friend was gone, the woman he loved was gone and he was at a complete loss how to get her back. To be able to get her back he needed to find her and she was nowhere to be found. He’d asked Skye to find her and even Skye had found no trace of her. It seemed as if she had disappeared. That meant only one thing, she didn’t want to be found. That hurt too. So far, with everything they had been through together, one way or another he’d always been able to reach her. Because that is what they did, they were there for each other, always. Not anymore though because he’d told her to leave and she had done exactly that. He had told her to leave after she’d told him she cared for him. She’d kept on trying to show him that she cared, and he’d kept pushing her away. He had even chosen saving Audrey over her. He had done it to hurt her even more. Clearly it had worked, it had worked too damn well. 

If he found her, he would be ready to grovel, to make amends, to do everything within his powers to get her back and he would do so by making sure she knew how much he loved her. The question was if he was going to get that chance would she even be willing to hear him out? He didn’t know because when Melinda was pushed far enough, hurt deep enough, she would do anything to prevent that hurt from happening again and that could mean to never let him in her life again. That was if he ever got as far as talking to her again. At the moment that seemed far from possible. 

Stepping out of his car, Phil Coulson took a deep breath and prepared himself for what was certain to be a difficult conversation. But if he wanted Melinda back, it was time for drastic matters. He was here to talk to Melinda’s mother. Maybe she knew where Melinda was and maybe she would be willing to tell him. He didn’t know her very well, having only met her a briefly a couple of times. Just like her daughter Mrs. May was a woman of few words. She was very protective of her daughter. He also knew that Melinda wasn’t very close with her mother, but she always let her mother know where she was. He trusted she’d done so now too. The only way to get that information from Melinda’s mother was by groveling and he was prepared to do so. 

He rung the door bell and as he waited for it to open, he adjusted his tie. It wasn’t long before he was face to face with Mrs. May. There was no friendly greeting. She just stood in the doorway and stared at him.

“Mrs. May.” He coughed, hoping he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. “My name is...”

“I know who you are.” 

“Yes, euh, right..” He shifted his weight and ran a hand through his hair. 

“I don’t have all day.” Mrs. May said. She knew who was standing in front of her. She’d met Phil Coulson before. She hadn’t disliked the man until now. There were only a few people who her daughter trusted and who could hurt her. He was one of them and clearly he had hurt her deeply. She knew why he was here and though she did not have the answer to his question, she wasn’t going to make it easy for him. He didn’t deserve that.

Clearly she wasn’t about to let him into her home, which meant they were going to be this conversation on the doorstep and apparently she was in a hurry too. That didn’t bode well for him at all. “Sorry.” He apologized. 

“I suppose you have a lot to be sorry about.” 

Clearly, she knew what had happened. “Yes, that’s true and I want to apologize, I really do. I just can’t find Melinda.” He looked at her, hopeful she would see the sincerity in his eyes and tell him where she was.

“I don’t trust you.” She stared at him, making him squirm. She saw the sincerity in his eyes, knew he was sorry. Sorry wasn’t enough. 

Phil nodded at that. She was right. How could she trust him? How could he win her trust to get her to tell him where she was? He honestly didn’t know. “You have every reason not to trust me. I made a mistake, a big mistake and one I regret dearly. It wasn’t my intention to hurt her.”

“Yes it was.” Once again Mrs. May didn’t mince her words and once again she was spot on.

He hung his head in shame. “At the time, yes I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. She betrayed me. The one person I trusted betrayed me.”

“And you just believed that, believed that she would betray you and decided to do the same. An eye for an eye.” Mrs. May crossed her arms. “I guess you never did know her.”

He deserved that, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Mrs. May had managed to throw his biggest guilt and fear right at him. He knew Melinda May. She was his best friend. He knew everything about her and he should have known that she would never betray him. He should have known better, should have known her better. His biggest fear was that Melinda felt the same, that he had never truly known her at all and that their time spend together had been a waste of time. A life without his Melinda simply wasn’t an option. “I did and I do.” He continued. “I made a huge mistake. I screwed up. I hurt my best friend. I hurt the one person I..” He couldn’t say it because he needed Melinda to hear it first. “I need to make this right, but she won’t let me find her. I just need to apologize and if after that she never wants to talk to me again, I’ll accept that. But I won’t go without a fight.” He looked away for a moment to pull himself back together. When he had he focused back on Mrs. May. “Please, tell me where I can find Melinda.”

There was no doubt about his regret nor his obvious hurt about the situation. She knew Phil had always been important to her daughter. She also knew her daughter didn’t forgive easily. She did want to help him, but she couldn’t. “I can’t.” She said.

“Just tell me where to look. You don’t have to give me the precise location. Give me a nudge in the right direction.”

“You misunderstood.” Mrs. May clarified. “I can’t, because I don’t know where Melinda is.”

He felt defeated. This was unexpected. He had been certain Mrs. May would know where Melinda was. “You haven’t spoken to her?” He asked. Melinda always contacted her mother. 

“I have and she’s doing well.”

“But you don’t know where she is?”

Mrs. May nodded. “She didn’t tell me and I didn’t ask. It’s what she wants.” She stepped back. “Goodbye Mr. Coulson.” Not giving him a chance to say anything else, she closed the door.


	3. Meeting Maria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coulson visits Maria hoping she’ll know where Melinda is. He gets a surprise though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May and Coulson finally meet.

Chapter three

After his failed meeting with Mrs. May there was only one option left, Maria Hill. If Maria didn’t know or didn’t want to tell him, then he would have to start getting used to a life without Melinda May. It simply was an option he didn’t want to consider. He was going to find her. It was as simple as that. Well, not really, but he had to keep faith that he would find her.

He knew Maria worked at Stark Industries. If he didn’t find Melinda there he could ask Tony to help him out. By now they all knew he hadn’t died and though he hadn’t seen Tony since New York, they had spoken occasionally. 

Walking into the Stark Industries, he asked for Maria at the reception desk. He waited patiently for her and was pleasantly surprised when he spotted Pepper making her way towards him.

“Phil.” She greeted him cheerfully before pulling him into a hug. “Good to see you.”

“You too, Pepper.” He had always liked Pepper and it was good to see her again. “How’s the new job?” 

“Good.” She took him by the elbow and walked with him to the elevators. “It keeps me busy, but I like it.”

“And how’s Tony?” 

“You know how he is, busy with crazy ideas and letting nothing stop him from achieving them.” 

Phil nodded. That indeed was Tony. “It’s what you like about him.”

“True.” Stepping into the elevator, Pepper pressed the button for the right floor and waited for the doors to close. “How are you Phil?”

“Good.” He said, though he doubted it sounded convincing and by the look in Pepper’s eyes, it didn’t. “I’ve been better.” 

“Is it your health?” She asked. “When Tony told me you were back, I was so happy. I know the other’s were too. We couldn’t believe it at first. I wish we’d had time to meet up, but I guess after New York, we’ve all been caught up in the whirlwind that came because of it.”

“Yeah, we’ve all been busy.” The elevator dinged, indicating they’d reached their floor. 

“Maria’s office is down the hall, last door to the right. Come find me after your meeting. It’s been too long since we’ve talked. We need to catch up and I know Tony wants to see you too.”

“I will.” He promised before exiting the elevator with a final wave to Pepper. It was good to see her again and it would be nice to catch up with Tony too. However good company he was going to be, depended on the outcome of his meeting with Maria. 

 

As he rounded the corner, Phil collided with his former colleague and friend, Maria Hill. “Still bumping into things, huh Phil.” Maria smiled and hugged him. 

Hugging her, Phil smiled at her words. It’s how they’d first met at the Academy. He had rounded the corner, his hands full with books, not looking where he was going, and he had collided with Maria Hill. “Still refusing to step aside, Maria?” He took her in for a moment. “You’re looking good.”

Maria did the same. “You too, Phil.” Though she’d know for a while know that he was still alive, it was weird to see him for the first time after his supposed death. She’d grieved for him, mourned his loss and it had taken her some time to deal with the loss. And now here he was, standing in front of her, as if nothing had happened. 

“How’s the new job?” He asked, following her to her office.

“Surprisingly good. I hadn’t expected liking it this much. I mean working with Tony, I thought he’d drive me crazy within a month, but it didn’t happen. He’s actually great to work with.”

“Good.” 

They’d entered her office and Phil took his time taking it all in. There were larg windows giving her a great view over the city. At the left side was a desk with two chairs in front of it and on the other side of the room, towards the big windows, a comfortable couch and two lounge chairs. The shelves against the walls held a few personal pictures and some mementos from her time at SHIELD. As he looked at the few pictures she had framed, his eyes fell on one of them. It was a picture from their graduation. It was Maria, Natasha, Clint, Melinda and himself. They were all smiling, the excitement they all fellt clear in their eyes. His eyes lingered on Melinda. They’d both started their first assignment the day after graduation and he’d been so happy to have been partnered with her. So much had happened between then and now. They’d been so innocent and naive but so full of energy and passion for their cause. Now, years later, they were far from innocent and naive, but he still held the same energy and passion for SHIELD. 

“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we.” Maria said as she watched him look at the picture. Leaning against the desk she noticed Phil’s slumped shoulder. 

“We have.” He carefully placed the picture back on the shelf before turning towards Maria. 

It was only then that Maria noticed Phil’s eyes. Usually Phil’s eyes were bright blue, with a bit of a mischievous sparkle in them. Today they were dull. Everything in Phil’s posture screamed defeat and she wondered what had happened. From their group, Phil had always been the optimistic one, always saw the good in people and situations. Nothing could hold him back. “What’s wrong, Phil?”

Walking towards the window, Phil stared outside. “Great view.” He remarked. 

“That’s not why you’re here.” 

He hung his head. “I lost Melinda.” 

“What do you mean you lost Melinda?” She looked at the door that separated her and Melinda’s office. She hadn’t told Melinda about this meeting, thinking it would be a brief meeting. Clearly it wasn’t. Whatever had happened between the two had left a mark on both of them. She just hoped she wouldn’t walk in on them.

He didn’t want to divulge too much, mostly because part of it was classified, but he needed to share. He’d kept it all bottled up for far too long. “She left.” Turning around he sat down on the couch, his head in his hands and continued. “I was a jerk. I doubted her loyalty, her trust and accused her of betraying me. I was so filled with rage and hurt and I just wanted her to feel the same.” He ran a hand through his hair and looked at her. “She left and I haven’t been able to find her. I need to apologize. I need to know that she’s okay.” He needed her back in his life. 

She’d never seen him like this before. Then again she hadn’t seen Melinda in this state before either. Part of her wanted to tell him that Melinda was here, but she couldn’t do that to her friend, she couldn’t betray her trust like that. “She can’t just disappear.” 

“She’s Melinda May, you know as well as I do, she can disappear if she wants to. I’ve had the best hacker n the world try to find her and she couldn’t. I’ve been to see her mother and she claims she doesn’t know where she is. Have you heard anything from her?”

Maria knew she shouldn’t hesitate, because Phil would pick up on that and that could lead to all kinds of questions she couldn’t answer. “Look, Phil, maybe it’s best to leave things be. Give her some space.”

Phil looked up at that. Maria hadn’t answered his question. “You know where she is.” He stated. Standing up he immediately walked up to her. “Have you talked to her?” He asked.

Realizing her error she decided it was best to stay as close to the truth as possible. “Yes.” She admitted.

“Is she okay?” 

“She is.”

“Do you know where she is?” When she stayed silent again, he knew enough. “You do. You know where she is. Tell me, Maria. Tell me where I can find her.”

Maria shook her head. “I can’t.”

“I need to make things right.”

“It’s not just about what you need. Clearly Melinda needs to be away from you. She doesn’t want you to find her. After all these years doesn’t she deserve the time and space she’s asking for?” 

Phil considered her words and he knew Maria was right. “She does.” He said softly. “But I also need her to know that I’m sorry. I don’t want my last words spoken to her be words of anger and betrayal.”

“Maybe she wants to leave it all behind and get a fresh start. I did too and look where I am now. I never thought I’d like life outside of SHIELD, but I do. Doesn’t she deserve that same opportunity?” She asked him. 

He nodded. Melinda did deserve that and so much more. “Could you just give her a message from me?” If Maria wasn’t going to tell him where Melinda was, maybe she could at least pass a message. 

Maria nodded. “Of course.” Though she wasn’t entirely sure Melinda wanted to hear it. 

“Tell her...” he hesitated. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he wanted to say it in person. Not like this. “Tell her I’m sorry and that I’m here and waiting for her whenever she’s ready.”

Before Maria could say anything else, exactly what she’d been afraid of, happened. The connecting door between her and Melinda’s office opened and in walked Melinda. Completely focused on the papers she held in her hand, and oblivious to the office occupants, Melinda started talked. 

“Maria, did you hear about Tony’s latest plans for the company party? He convinced Pepper that bigger is better so he’s rented the Hudson Terrace.” When she didn’t get any reply, Melinda finally looked up. Expecting only Maria, she was shocked to see the man she’d been avoiding standing right next to her friend. She swallowed thickly and took a step back. She quickly avoided his eyes and looked at Maria. She saw the apology in her eyes and acknowledged it with a small nod. She immediately turned around, needing to be away from him, but before she could a familiar, strong, warm hand grabbed her by the wrist. “Don’t.” She whispered. Her head hung low, her hair shielding her face from him. 

“Melinda.” Phil whispered just as softly. She was here and already walking away from him. There was so much he needed to say, but right now he couldn’t find the words. Part of him hadn’t expected to find her anymore. He gently caressed the inside of her wrist with his thumb. “Melinda.” His voice soft, gentle yet seemed to waver as he spoke. “Please let..”

“No.” She said forcefully and pulled her arm out of his grip. “Don’t.” She stalked out of Maria’s office, straight to hers. She needed some time to compose herself and figure out what she was going to do now that he had found her. She didn’t want to pack her things and move again. She had found her spot here, she liked it here. 

Back in Maria’s office, Phil wanted to go after Melinda. He wasn’t going to let her walk out of his life again, not when he’d just found her. 

“Leave her, Phil.” Maria said.

“I can’t.” He looked at her. “Not when I’ve just found her.”

“Give her some time to figure things out. Then try to talk to her. You know she’s going to push you away if you corner her.”

Phil sighed and hung his head. Maria was right. “I know you’re right. What if she’s going to run again? You know if she packs her things and leaves again we’re never going to find her.” He sat back down on the couch and waited for her to join him.

“I don’t think she will. She likes it here.”

“Is she happy?”

Maria nodded. “I think she is.”

“Happier then she was at SHIELD?” 

She shrugged. “I don’t know. She’s found her spot here.” Standing up again, Maria waited for Phil to do the same. “Give me a few days. I’ll talk to her.”

“Thank you.” 

“Phil,” Maria said before he left, “I’m giving you a chance here, don’t screw it up. Don’t hurt her.” 

“I won’t. I promise.”


	4. Talking with friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melinda talks with Maria. Phil talks with Tony and Pepper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for another chapter. No encounter between Phil and Melinda. I hope you still enjoy reading this fic.

Chapter four

“Did you call him?” Melinda asked later that day. Maria had come to her apartment to join her for drinks.

“No.” Maria shook her head. “He called, wanted to talk. Didn’t tell me what it was about. I thought it would be work related.”

“I wish I’d known.”

“So you could have avoided him? You can’t keep doing that.”

“I beg to differ.” Melinda sipped from her glass of white wine. 

Maria rolled her eyes at her friend. “Come on, Melinda. You want to keep running from him?” When she remained silent, Maria continued. “You’ve been best friends for years. It can’t just end like this, can it?”

“It did.” Seeing Phil again that afternoon had thrown her off. She’s been rather successful in banning him from his thoughts. She was adjusting rather well to life without him. Still seeing him again for the first time, had brought it all back, especially the hurt. 

“What happened between you two?”

Melinda put her glass of wine down on the coffee table, before leaning back on her couch. “He accused me of betraying him. Told me he didn’t trust me anymore. He made it clear he never wanted to deal with me again. So I left.” She took a deep breath, willing away how vulnerable she felt at the moment.

“It must have been the spur of the moment. You’ve been partners, best friends, for ages.”

She shook her head. “No, he was serious. I know him. He couldn’t even look at me anymore.” 

“Surely there’s more to it than that. Tell me about it.”

“It’s classified.”

“You’re not working at SHIELD anymore. Besides, it’s me you’re talking to. Tell me.”

“Fury asked me to keep an eye on Phil and report back to him. He was worried about the effects of the drug they gave him. Phil took that as me not trusting him and betraying him.” She shrugged it off as if it was nothing, while in fact it was everything. 

“You were following orders. Surely he must understand that.”

“He didn’t.”

“What else?”

“I told him he meant a lot to me, that I cared deeply. His answer was there was nothing personal between us anymore.”

She knew it wasn’t easy for her friend to admit that. Melinda didn’t let people in easily, but when she did, you had a friend for life. 

Melinda continued. “It felt as if our partnership, our friendship, meant nothing. He threw all our years together away as if it was nothing. My words held no meaning. I thought he knew me better. I thought we had more...” She couldn’t quite express yet what more exactly meant. “Everything we had, everything we were...it all turned out to be a lie. I’ve lived a lie, Maria.” Standing up, Melinda walked into the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of white wine. “I’ve been a fool.” 

“No, you weren’t.” Phil’s behavior seemed uncharacteristic, but she didn’t doubt Melinda’s words. Yet it couldn’t be this simple. They had too much history and there was still too much unspoken. Neither Melinda nor Phil would be better off without the other in their life. One way or another, this had to be resolved. “Look.” Maria said when Melinda joined her again. “You can’t leave it like this. You owe it to your partnership to at least get some closure so you can move on.”

Maybe Maria was right. To be able to really move on, she needed to truly leave Phil, their partnership and SHIELD behind. She couldn’t do that now. Maybe if they talked, this could be a new beginning and she could leave him behind. It was probably best for the both of them. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Give it some time. My guess is, Phil will be in town for a couple of days.”

She smiled at that. “Yeah, he never was too good at taking no for an answer.”

Across town, Phil was seated at the dining room table at Tony and Pepper’s house. He’d run into Tony on his way out and he’d immediately invited him to catch up.

“Ever since you returned from the death you never do write or call, Phil.” Tony said. He grabbed the plates from the table and made his way to the open plan kitchen. 

“I never did before.”

“True. Still, I expected more after your resurrection.”

“I’ve been...busy.” He stated. 

“Yes, so I’ve heard.”

“From Melinda?” Phil asked. He hadn’t talked about her so far, but he couldn’t resist anymore. He needed to know how she was. If she was happy here, if there was any chance she’d come back to him.

“No.” Pepper joined in. She saw something in Phil’s eyes as he spoke of Melinda. “She hasn’t spoken to us about SHIELD.”

“I am happy though that you let her go, Phil. Don’t understand why. I mean she’s terrific. There’s no one I’d rather have taking care of Pepper’s security. Scary too though. I don’t ever want to be on her bad side.” He stretched his arm over the back of Pepper’s chair and squeezing her shoulder for a moment. “Why did you let her leave though?”

“Melinda May doesn’t let anyone tell her what to do.” He smiled at that. He sighed slightly, he missed her. 

“Then why did she leave?” Tony questioned. He noticed the change in his friend too. He looked at Pepper for a moment and the look in her eyes told him she’d noticed it too. 

Pepper noticed Phil’s sudden defeated posture. Clearly Melinda was a sensitive subject. “You told her to leave?” She guessed. 

“More or less.” He admitted. His fight with Melinda and everything it entailed was private and he couldn’t hurt her anymore than he already had by telling others about it. 

Once again Pepper and Tony exchanged looks. Phil’s sorrow and and pain was obvious to both of them, even if he spoke little about whatever had happened between him and Melinda. It made Pepper realize that both Melinda and Phil were dealing with the same pain. 

“You can’t have her back you know.” Tony couldn’t resist pointing out.

“Don’t worry. I doubt she’ll ever want to return.” Phil stood up. It was time for him to go back to his hotel. “I want her to be happy. Maria told me she’s happy here.”

“You’re not though.” Pepper pushed her chair backwards and stood up too. “Have you talked to her?”

Phil shook his head. “Not really. I saw her today. She doesn’t want to talk to me.” Turning around, he started towards the door. “Time for me to go.”

“You know,” Tony said as he walked with Phil to the front door. “I’m having a company party in a few days. Bruce will be there, Natasha too, maybe Steve. Join us. The guys will be happy to see you and it’ll give you a chance to talk to Melinda.” Despite losing his bet, he’d decided to throw a party any way. He’d actually arranged most of it himself.

“Not sure if that’s a good idea.”

Pepper put her hand on his shoulder. “Join us, Phil. It’ll give you the chance to talk to her in a more relaxing setting.”

He nodded. Pepper might be right. Beside he would like to talk to Bruce and Natasha again. He hoped Steve was going to be there too. He’d never really gotten the chance to have him sign his trading cards. “Thanks for tonight. I’ll see you at the party.”


	5. The party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for Tony’s big party. Will Phil and Melinda finally talk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who review and give kudos. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. Since I finished writing chapter ten, I thought it would be okay to update another chapter. I still have no idea where this fic is going. I feel like Phil and Melinda might have other plans than I had with this fic. It’s turning out longer than I thought. I still believe that Phil has some serious groveling to do.

Chapter five

The party was in full swing and Phil had been here for almost half an hour. He’d greeted Tony and Pepper before moving to one of the few secluded corners of the Hudson Terrace. He was staying in the dark on purpose. It gave him the opportunity to observe everyone. More importantly it gave him the chance to observe Melinda. He wondered if she truly didn’t know he was here or if she simply chose to ignore him. It was difficult to look at her from a distance when he just wanted to go to her and talk to her. She looked beautiful in a dark purple, backless, knee length cocktail dress. She was a vision and he yearned to draw her in his arms and run his fingers over her skin. He saw the way the men were looking at her, the way their heads turned when she passed them and he could not blame them, but he did want to hurt them. What he also noticed was how happy she looked. She looked at ease with the people around her, laughing with them, enjoying their company and more at ease than she’d been with him and his team. It hurt and made him wonder if what he was doing was a good idea. All he wanted for her was to be happy and he had hoped that would be with him. But if she was happy here, without him, then who was he to stand in her way? He couldn’t nor would he want to. 

“You know, you could go and talk to her.” Pepper joined him and handed him a beer. 

He shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Phil,” Pepper admonished him by only saying his name. 

“She looks happy.” He wondered if Pepper heard the defeat in his voice.

Together they watched Maria and Melinda talk. “For the most part I think she is happy.” Pepper looked at Phil and noticed the sadness in his eyes. “However, there’s a sadness in her eyes and I think you’re the reason.” Phil immediately tensed and she put her hand on his arm to get him to focus back on her. “You two need to talk, even if it’s just to give you both closure.”

“I know.” 

“The longer you wait, the harder it’ll be.” Pepper gave him as advice before she left him alone. 

Still unsure how to approach Melinda without having her run out of him, Phil took his time drinking his beer. It was only a few minutes later when he saw a familiar man approaching her. It was Bruce Banner. 

“I thought this was supposed to be a small dinner party.” Bruce said as he joined Maria and Melinda . Tony had invited him and Natasha to join him for a small dinner party about a week ago. Upon arrival it had become clear this was neither a small party, nor a dinner party. Nevertheless it was a good party. Natasha was enjoying herself, currently catching up with Pepper and Tony. 

“You know Tony. He doesn’t do small parties.” Maria smiled. “How have you been, Bruce?”

“Good.” He glanced at Natasha. She was the most important reason for his current state of mind. She understood him and at times he wondered if she understood his darker side better than himself. Then again, she would never call it his darker side. “I see Tony hasn’t chased you away yet.” He said to Melinda. He’d met her a few weeks back when he’d had a meeting with Pepper and Melinda. He knew she was in charge of Pepper’s security team, but he’d talked to her about the more practical use of many of Stark Industries technology. She had impressed him with her knowledge and her ability to see possibilities and applications he hadn’t even considered. He liked how she could turn his theoretical thoughts into more practical use. He usually lingered too long on the theoretical side. They were set for a business meeting next week. He didn’t know much about the person Melinda May. She wasn’t very forth coming with personal information, but he didn’t mind. 

“He’s kinda grown on me and I mostly work with Pepper which is probably for the best.” She offered him a smile. “Good to see you again, Bruce.”

Much to Phil’s annoyance, Bruce and Melinda continued their conversation for quite a while. She kept laughing at the him and even touched his arm or shoulder every once in a while. Melinda wasn’t really affectionate with people she barely knew which meant she knew Bruce well. He couldn’t help the jealousy that flared within him. This was worse than the men looking at her. This was Bruce Banner, an intelligent guy, a good guy who would treat her right. Probably better than he ever could. Of course there was the matter of him turning into the Hulk, but he knew Melinda’s calm and quiet demeanor would be good for Bruce too. 

“You better not kill, Bruce.” Maria said. “Or you’re going to have to deal with Natasha.”

“Natasha?” He raised an eyebrow at Maria before turning his attention back to Melinda and Bruce. 

“Just watch.”

Natasha walked up to them and he noticed how Bruce slightly turned his body towards her. As she joined them, she wrapped her arm around his waist for a brief moment while he placed his hand on her lower back. She kissed his cheek which he answered with a kiss on her temple before both of them turned their attention to Melinda. “They’re together?”

“Yes. Have been for a while now. So you can relax again. He’s not hitting on your Melinda.”

“Did you talk to her?” Phil finally turned his attention to Maria who had taken a seat on the lounge chair.

“I did.” She sipped from her wine. 

“And?” He needed to know how badly he’d screwed up before he could go and talk to her. 

“You screwed up, Phil.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t need you to point out the obvious, Maria.”

“You know Melinda doesn’t easily share her feelings and yet when she did, you dismissed her and her feelings. You screwed up royally.” 

“I’m such a fool.”

“And a jerk.” Maria added. “You threw away a partnership and friendship most people won’t ever find in their lives.” She’d seen how deeply he had hurt her friend and Phil needed to be confronted with it. If Melinda wasn’t going to do it, she was. “You know Melinda. How could you think so easily that she would betray you? Did all those years spend together mean nothing? Do you not know her at all?” Maria was on a roll now. “She would take a bullet for you, she has done so in the past. Why did you dismiss her and what she felt? Why would you want to throw away the best thing that ever happened to you?”

“Because I felt betrayed and I wanted her to feel as hurt as I.” He admitted. He didn’t like what Maria was saying. 

“That’s cheap, Phil” 

His eyes sought out Melinda, but he couldn’t see her anymore. She’d moved out of sight and he couldn’t help but wonder with whom. “I’ve lost her, haven’t I?”

“I don’t know.” She honestly didn’t. 

“She seems so happy here, much more than she was at SHIELD. I don’t want to stand in the way.”

“Then don’t.” 

Maria’s words were harsh, though he did not doubt the truth in them. “You never did shy away from the truth.” 

She rolled her eyes at him. “You really have no clue, do you?” Seeing Phil’s blank face, she knew she was right. “You have no idea that you’re an integral part to her happiness? Sure she seems happy here and I think she enjoys working here, but she isn’t happy. There’s a sadness in her eyes and I see it every day. I never knew what it was or what it meant but I do now and I know you’re the reason. Fix this, Phil. It’s about time you and Melinda stop hiding from each other.” Maria stood up and was about to leave, not before leaving him with one final thought. “If you ever hurt her again, I’ll track you down and hurt you.” 

He swallowed thickly and nodded. He knew that wasn’t an empty threat. Maria was serious.


	6. A conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil and Melinda finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Phil and Melinda talk. My inspiration for this chapter was the scene in Bridget Jones Baby when Mark and Bridget meet each other at their friend’s party and he takes her hand as they walk across the room. It’s how I imagine Phil and Melinda walking across the room.

Chapter six

He was a coward. He really needed to talk to her, but so far he hadn’t. Ever since the DJ had started the party had moved more or less to the dance floor. So far he hadn’t seen Melinda dance. She’d found a spot away from the dance floor on one of the many lounge seats. He watched Tony reaching for Pepper’s hand before they moved to the dance floor. Finally, she was alone. He wanted to catch her off guard, therefor he decided to approach her from the other side, this way she couldn’t see him. He should have known though, that wouldn’t work with her.

“Took you long enough.” Melinda said in a way of greeting when Phil finally joined her on the couch. 

Phil merely nodded his agreement and handed her a glass of wine. They sat next to each other, watching the people on the dance floor, in silence. “You seem happy here.” He finally said. 

“I guess I am.”

“You seem surprised.”

“I am. I came here expecting to leave after a couple of days, a week at most. Then Maria got me this job and even then I was skeptic. But it’s been a welcome surprise. They’ve made me feel at home here.” She watched Tony twirl Pepper around on the dance floor. “Even Tony.”

Home... it hurt him to hear her say it. Because for him, SHIELD didn’t feel like home anymore, not without her. He hung his head and tried to gather is thoughts. “So this is it?” He asked eventually. 

“Phil.” She started, but didn’t get a chance to say any more.

“No, Melinda. No.” He raised his voice though no one but Melinda noticed. “Is it really that easy for you to leave it all behind?”

“You think this has been easy?” Melinda didn’t raise her voice like Phil had. No she stayed calm, but the calmer she got, the more dangerous she got. She didn’t want to get into this, not here, not now, maybe not ever. It simply hurt too much to see him and deal with the pain she felt by just looking at him. “No.” She said. “You don’t get to do this again. You don’t get to blame me again.”

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. He quickly grabbed her hand, stopping her from walking away from him. “You called this place home and...” 

She interrupted him. “You want me to be happy, right?”

“Of course.”

“And what if I’m happy here?”

“Then I’m happy for you.” 

“Are you really?”

“Yes.” For the first time since joining her on the couch he turned his head to look at her.   
She felt his eyes on her but couldn’t look at him. She knew his eyes, knew what she would see, and she didn’t want to see it, yet. Instead she looked at the way his hand held hers, how his thumb caressed her skin and it made her realize how much she’d missed him. This wasn’t fair. The effect he still had on her wasn’t fair. 

Standing up, her hand still in his, he gently pulled her to her feet. She raised an eyebrow at him, wondering what he was about to do. She really wasn’t in the mood to dance with him. He gently shook his head at her, no they weren’t going to dance. He just wanted them to talk somewhere a bit more quiet and private. With her hand in his, he started to guide her away from the dance floor.  
It pleased him that she didn’t pull away from him. He looked over his shoulder, glad to see her eyes on him. He gave her a soft smile before he focused back on finding them a place to talk. Together, their hands linked, their fingers entwined, they made a way through the crowd. He eventually found one far away from the crowd and noise. Reluctantly he let go of her hand and leaned against the railing with his back. He watched her carefully. Watched how the wind caught her hair, how the light caught her face as she looked over the city, confronting him once again with her beauty. He missed the warmth of her hand in his.

Another silence fell upon them, this time less uncomfortable than before. 

“I’m sorry.” Phil turned, leaning against the railing with his left side. His body, his eyes, his attention completely focused on the woman next to him. 

Melinda kept her eyes on the sky line, taking in the beauty of the city. She wasn’t ready to talk yet. She needed more from him first and so she waited.

“I lashed out.” He continued. “I was hurt and I needed you to hurt just as bad.”

“You managed that quite well.” She couldn’t help the snarky reply, but regretted it immediately. “That wasn’t fair.”

“I deserved that.” His hand reached out for her again, but he stopped himself. He wanted to say more, but she spoke first.

“Did you ever trust me?” 

“Of course.” He immediately replied.

“Do you really believe that?” 

“Yes.” His voice was strong, determined. There was no doubt in his mind.

“Then why?” She turned to him now. “Why was it so easy for you to believe I betrayed you? Why didn’t you listen to me? I was your partner for years and you didn’t even give me the benefit of the doubt, Phil.” Her voice though still strong, had turned soft again. “Why?” 

It hurt to hear her words. It hurt to know how much he’d hurt her, it hurt to see what he’d done to her. “I’m sorry, Melinda.” It was all he could offer and he doubted it would ever be enough.

It didn’t seem like she’d heard him, but she had. “You’re sorry? How could you throw our friendship away so easily? Did you think it was an easy decision for me? Fury asked me to keep an eye on you and to report to him if anything happened. At first I refused because I didn’t want to betray you. Then I realized, it was my only chance to keep you safe.” Her voice had turned to a mere whisper, but it was all he heard. “I couldn’t lose you again. I couldn’t go through that again. So I said yes to Fury, because this time I was going to keep you safe. I failed you back then, I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I’d do it all again if it meant keeping you safe.” She was trying hard to keep it together. She’d admitted more than she’d expected, more than she wanted and it made her feel unsure. She needed to put some distance between them to pull herself together. 

Her words shook him. This was the first time she’d spoken about his death and it was the first time she’d shown him what it had done to her. Melinda May didn’t share easily. He wanted to kick himself, or hit himself, if he could. He’d been such a jerk. Not once had he thought about what it had done to her. He’d been selfish. Only thinking about what she’d done to him. He hadn’t even considered what it had done to her. He’d forgotten about her. 

He could tell she was feeling uncomfortable and knew her well enough that she was going to distance herself from him. If he let her, he might not get the chance to talk to her again. For the second time that evening, he reached for her hand and stopped her from stepping away from him. She surprised him when she once again entwined their fingers. When she looked at him he almost gasped. For the first time she was showing him how his actions had hurt her. There was hurt and sadness in her dark brown eyes. 

She looked at him, really looked at him for the first time in far too long. He looked tired. His blue eyes missing that spark she loved. He hadn’t shaved and if he didn’t look so tired, she might have liked that look on him. He wasn’t wearing a suit. Instead he was wearing dark jeans and a blue button up shirt with the top two buttons opened. She liked this look on him, though she liked him in suit and tie too. She shook her head slightly. She needed to stop these thoughts. “Why are you here, Phil?”

“To ask you to come back to us.” Because I miss you, because I need you back in my life, because without you I feel lost. It was what he wanted to say but it would be too much too soon and so he’d gone for what he thought was his best bet. Get her to come back to SHIELD and maybe then he could repair the damage between them too.

“So this is a professional visit?” She pulled her hand away from his and took a few steps back from him. She was disappointed in him, but even more so in herself because she had foolishly believed he was here for other reasons. It hurt. It brought back the memory of their heated argument in which he’d told her there was nothing personal between them anymore. Clearly that was still valid.

Seeing her retreat he wondered what he’d done wrong, what he’d said wrong. “Melinda?”

“I’m not coming back.”

It sounded to definitive and he couldn’t accept that. “We miss you.” He saw how she tensed at his words. Clearly something had just happened that made her close up but he didn’t know what he’d done. 

“There’s nothing for me to come back to.”

“How can you say that?” He asked. She had turned her back towards him by now. He didn’t like that. When she didn’t talk, or refused to talk, he needed to see her face, her eyes to know what was going on in her head. “You are in integral part of the team.”

“You don’t need me.”

“We do.” He took a step closer. “We’ll always need you.”

A silence fell between them again. It seemed as if they’d hit a dead end with neither one of them knowing how to truly express their feelings. Phil watched how Melinda once again took a few steps away from him. This couldn’t be how things ended between them. He couldn’t let her walk away from him again. He could not lose her.

“I miss you.” He admitted.

Her steps faltered, her shoulders slumped and she hung her head. This wasn’t fair. He always knew how to get to her. “Phil.”

He walked towards her until he faced her. “I miss you.” He said once more.

“That’s not good enough.” She said, her eyes still focused on the floor. She couldn’t look at him now. Not when she felt this vulnerable, not when she knew that if she would see his eyes, she would cave in and say too much.

“Then tell me what is.” He took a chance and gently grabbed her arms to hold her close and in case she wanted to flee, to stop her.

She could feel his body heat, could smell his aftershave and felt the need to just lean forward until her head hit his chest. She hated what he made her feel. She clenched her fist, needing to get her herself back in control. “Can we just not do this?” She finally asked.

“No.” He shook his head. “No, because if we don’t we never will. You’ll walk out of my life and I’ll never see you again.” He tightened his hold on her. “I can’t accept losing you. I won’t.”

“That’s not your decision to make.” 

“I know, but we need to talk about this and I won’t leave until we do.” He knew he had to give her some time to think it all over. “I’ll let you get back to the party.” 

He surprised her, yet she should have known better. Phil always knew when to push and when not. He was giving her the space she needed to think it all over. He probably thought he was making it easier for her, when in truth he was making it harder for her to leave him behind. “Phil?”

“It’s okay.” She didn’t need to ask her question for him to answer. Despite everything, they still knew each other. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be around. Besides, I’m the Director, I can do what I want.”

She looked at him and smiled when she saw his gently smile. “I’ll see you?”

“You will.” He let his hands slide down her arms to her hands. He lingered before letting her go. He watched her walk back inside, glad she glanced over her shoulder, before she disappearing into the crowd on the dance floor. He took a deep breath. He hoped they had truly made some progress, but he wasn’t sure.

TBC...


	7. Girl talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the day after the party and Melinda is having lunch with her friends. She gets confronted with some truths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those still following, reviewing and giving kudos, thank. I’ve come to really love this ship and this fandom. I love writing these two. Still don’t know how this is going to end. I promise no bad ending but I’m still not sure if Melinda will join SHIELD again.

Chapter seven 

It was the day after the party and Maria, Pepper, Natasha and Melinda were having lunch together. Melinda had hardly slept, Maria looked like she was still recovering while Natasha and Pepper looked fresh and unaffected by yesterday’s party.

“That was quite a good party.” Natasha said, looking at the menu that was just handed to her.

“It was.” Maria nodded in agreement. “It was a really good party.” She added to it.

“True. Tony does know how to throw a great party.” Pepper was in complete agreement. 

Three pairs of eyes turned to Melinda waiting for a response from her. “The party was..., okay.” She finally said. 

Maria and Pepper wanted to know how Phil and Melinda’s talk went yesterday. Both sensed that they needed to give her a bit more time. After giving the waitress their orders, conversation turned to Natasha. That turned to a trip down memory lane as they talked about their Academy days.

“Was Phil part of your group?” Pepper asked. She enjoyed listening to their stories, but needed to steer the conversation to Phil. 

Maria laughed and Natasha joined in. “Not at first no. First time I met Phil, he kinda knocked me off my feet.” 

“What?”

“Yeah. He rounded the corner, head in his books and just collided with me. Landed flat on my ass, as did he.” Maria looked at Melinda. “Isn’t that kinda like how you two met?” 

She knew all to well what her friends were doing. “I hadn’t even noticed Phil before our we ended up together in our combat training. The instructor paired us off. As a warm up we did some sparring. I didn’t expect much. He wasn’t very muscular, not compared to the other guys at the academy. But he was well trained, knew his strengths and weaknesses and used them to his advantage.”

“He was no match for you though.” Natasha added.

Melinda grinned a bit. “No he wasn’t. I had him on his back on the mat within two minutes. He’d lasted longer than the others. After that he asked me to help him out. He was great at the tactical and strategic classes, but his combat training needed more attention. So I helped him and he helped me with the tactical classes. I always was more of a kick first, think later.”

“After that, they became inseparable. Where Melinda was, Phil was and the other way round and that didn’t change for many years.”

Melinda looked down at her salad and pushed her food around. It was true, she and Phil had at one point become inseparable. That shy, adorable, somewhat geeky guy had become her best friend. 

“Fury saw their chemistry and paired them up together after graduation. It’s one of the best partnerships I’ve ever seen.”

Natasha agreed with Maria’s words. “They bring out the best in each other.”

Pepper kept her eyes on Melinda. She kept pushing her food around on her plate. Though she didn’t say anything, Pepper knew she had heard every word. With the conversation now on Phil, she could ask about yesterday. “Did you talk to him yesterday?”

“I did.” Melinda said without looking up. 

“How did it go?”

She shrugged. She didn’t really know. “I think there’s too much damage.”

“Did he say that?” Maria asked. She knew the answer to that question though. 

“No.” She whispered. 

“Look.” Pepper started when she saw Melinda fighting hard to keep it together. “It took me years to find my best friend. He turned out to be an arrogant jerk who needed to be taken down a few notches. But he also brings out the best in me and I think the same goes the other way round.”

“What you and Tony have isn’t based on a lie. Plus you can’t compare you and Tony with me and Phil. You’re in a relationship. Phil and I only ever had a partnership.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.” Natasha started. “You and Phil have never had just a partnership. You are best friends. You’ve seen each other at your best and most importantly at your worst. You’ve always been there for each other. You take care of each other.” She wondered if she should continue. She didn’t want to hurt Melinda, but also knew she sometimes had to be confronted with the truth before she would accept it. “The only lie you both live, is the fact that you think you can be happy without the other. You’ve been dancing around each other for years. At one point there was a betting pool but after a while everyone just gave up. You two can read each other like a book, but when it comes to what’s most important both of you turn into fools.” She looked at Pepper and Maria. Had she said too much? 

Maria shook her head. It was time “You’ve each tried finding happiness with other people but you always drift back to each other. Back to those years of friendship. Neither of you wants to face the truth. Now he’s hurt you just at the moment you finally admitted to yourself that you care and what do you do? You run.”

“He wanted me gone.” She said through gritted teeth. “He couldn’t look at me anymore. I’ve never seen him look at me with such disgust.”

“This isn’t the first rough patch you’ve faced. What makes this one so different?”

Melinda didn’t answer and so the four friends sat in silence. They all waited for Melinda to say what they already knew. It didn’t look like she was going to. 

“Just because he didn’t acknowledge your words..” Maria didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence. 

Melinda raised her hand. “Just stop it okay.” She knew they meant well, but she needed to deal with this in her own way. “Can we not talk about this anymore? Please?” She looked at the three women and saw them nod. “Thank you.”

TBC..


	8. Phil and Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Phil talk about Phil and Melinda’s talk. Tony gives Phil some advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who are still enjoying reading this fic. Thank you for the reviews and kudos.

Chapter eight

Back at Tony’s house, Tony and Phil were shooting hoops. He was curious and wanted to know how Phil’s talk with Melinda had gone. “I expected you and May to leave the party together.” Tony passed the basketball to Phil. 

“You thought wrong.” With an easy lay up he put the ball in the basket. Turning around he passed the ball back to Tony.

“What happened?” He dribbled a bit with the ball as he waited for Phil’s answer.

He shrugged. “I’m not sure.” 

“Did you even talk?” 

“We did.”

“And...” Phil usually was more talkative.

“It didn’t go well, okay.” He grabbed the ball from Tony, made the two pointer and picked the ball up again. He bounced it a few times, giving himself time to think about his conversation with Melinda. It felt like he was missing something very important, but he didn’t know what. She hadn’t completely shut him out, but she’d kept her familiar walls up and he hated that he still couldn’t break through them. “She thinks I don’t need her.”

“And you so clearly do.” Tony pointed out the obvious. He grinned when Phil rolled his eyes. Taking the ball back from Phil, he took a shot from the free throw line. 

Neither he nor Tony needed confirmation so he simply let it slide and watched Tony miss his shot. He grinned at that. Tony retaliated by throwing the ball hard, hitting Phil in the chest. “Tell me more.”

He grunted as the ball hit his chest. “I asked her to come back to the team.”

“Just the team?”

“Yes.” 

“Just the team?” He said once more to which Phil once again answered with a yes. “You asked her to come back because the team needs her? Really, Phil? You can’t be that stupid.”

“What do you mean?” By now he’d given up on playing any basketball. He simply bounced the ball back and forth in his hands. 

“Why didn’t you tell her that you need her to come back?”

“Because it’s not what she needs to hear from me.”

For now Tony decided to let that one slide by and revisit it later. “Tell me what your fight was about. What made her run away?”

He told Tony about their argument. Told her how she’d hurt him and how betrayed he felt. He also told him about the hateful words he’d thrown her way. Not for the first time he wondered if the hurt was too big, too deep to overcome. 

“No wonder she fled.” Tony remarked. Seeing Phil’s glare for pointing out the obvious, Tony quickly continued. “You really don’t see the issue here?”

“There’s more than one issue.” Tired of merely standing still with the ball in his hands, Phil started to dribble and take a few shots. 

“You said to her there’s nothing personal between you two anymore. When you finally have a chance to talk to her you ask her to come back because the team needs her.”

“Look, I’ve known Melinda since the Academy. If I push too hard, she’ll close up and I won’t have another chance.” The thought angered him and he threw the ball at Tony, hitting him square in the chest. 

“Hey!” He exclaimed. “Don’t get angry at me. Be angry at yourself. You screwed up. You need to tell her you need her. You, not the team, not the SHIELD, just you because you need her back in your life. Don’t hide by saying she’ll run if you say too much. You care for her, Phil. Tell her that. Why do you think she doesn’t want to hear that?” He threw the ball back at Phil. “Come on, game time. Loser buys drinks.” He noticed Phil’s mood deteriorating the more they talked about May. Maybe a game would make him forget if only for a short time. 

After their lunch, Pepper and Melinda returned to Tony and Pepper’s place. Pepper had been called that she needed to go to a meeting in Chicago. Melinda would join her like she always did. They’d decided to go through the details at Pepper’s home office. Hearing Tony’s loud cheers, they thought it was best to check up on him first. 

“Tony?” Pepper questioned. It had been a while since she’d seen Tony on the basketball court. He appeared to be doing a little dance around Phil. Both men were in shorts and sweaty shirts

“Pepper.” Tony greeted her enthusiastically. “I won!” He closed the distance between them and kissed her on the cheek. 

Melinda quietly observed it all. Tony cheerfully bouncing around with Phil glaring at him. It had been a while since she’d seen Phil like this, in his shorts and shirt, sweaty from the game, and she liked it. It was nice to see him again. She hadn’t seen him for quite a while and now to see him a couple of times in a short amount of time felt good, felt like old times. It reminded her how much she missed seeing him every day. She watched him walk towards her basketball in one hand, his eyes gently but guarded.

“Hi.” Phil greeted Melinda. He hadn’t really expected to see her today, but it was more than a nice surprise. He hadn’t really processed all that Tony had said, yet realized the man might have a point. 

“Hi.” 

Before either of them could say a word, Tony was at their side. “He lost, he’s buying me drinks.” 

“Doesn’t surprise me at all. Sports never was his strong suit.” Melinda teased. “Plus, he’s too short for basketball.” 

“Hey!” Phil exclaimed, offended by her words. He opened his mouth to say more, but decided not too. Melinda was right. Sports had never been his thing. “I’m not that short.” He simply had to add. He smiled at her, glad that she was teasing him. Maybe all wasn’t lost and last night hadn’t been the disaster he thought it was.

“We need to work for a while. You boys play some more or get those drinks. Just don’t bother us.” Pepper warned them. She knew how Tony could get.

“Everything okay?” Tony asked. As far as he knew Pepper didn’t have anything on her schedule that required her immediate attention. He glanced at Melinda wanting to see if there was any reason to be worried. 

“Yes. Just got called for a meeting tomorrow in Chicago that I hadn’t expected. Melinda figured it was best to look through the details and do some extra checks.”

“Melinda?” Tony looked at her. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Pepper, he did, but when it came to her security, he trusted Melinda more. 

“It’ll be okay.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay.” He turned to Phil. “Let’s get those drinks.”

Phil nodded but didn’t follow Tony yet. He watched Pepper and Melinda walk to house and followed them till they were inside. 

Finishing their meeting Melinda and Pepper made their way through the house. Apparently the two men hadn’t left for Phil to buy Tony drinks. They were in the living room, both had changed into jeans and shirts, watching a movie. 

“You wanna join us?” Tony asked when he spotted the two. Maybe if Pepper would, Melinda would too and it would give Phil and Melinda another moment together.

“What are you watching?”

“Star Wars.”

Pepper looked at Melinda and rolled her eyes. “How many times have you seen those movies?”

“Not that many times.” Tony felt like he needed to defend himself. “Besides, you can never see Star Wars too many times, right Phil?” He felt like he needed some support.

“True.” Phil agreed. He kept his eyes on Melinda. She was tense, he clearly saw it but doubted if Tony and Pepper saw it too. Something was up.

“He can quote the movie line by line. At the Academy he wanted to do combat training with the light sabers.” Melinda told them. 

“You wanna join us, Melinda?” Tony asked.

She shook her head. “No” She pointed at Phil. “He’s made me watch watch it too many times already.” She turned to Pepper. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow.” She said her goodbye to the two men and made her way to the front door. It wasn’t long before she heard footsteps and it didn’t surprise her that Phil had followed her.

“Everything okay?” He asked, joining her in the hall way.

“Yes.” She put her had on the door knob, ready to leave.

“You’re worried about the meeting.” 

She kept her back towards him but nodded. It was simply too sudden and there wasn’t enough information about the contact they were meeting. 

“I can help.” He hoped that maybe if they could get into their partnership rhythm again it would help with their communication.

“I can handle it.” Her voice held a slight warning but she knew he would hear it.

He wished she would turn around. He didn’t like talking to her back. “I know you can. I’m just offering help. I can be back up.”

“I don’t need back up. This is my job, this is what I do now. They expect me to handle things. Tony and Pepper trust me.”

He didn’t get a chance to say anything. Melinda quickly left and he was left standing alone, staring at the door. What little progress he thought they’d made seemed to have been his imagination. 

TBC...


	9. Close call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melinda gets hurt, Phil is worried, they have a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want this chapter to turn very angsty nor did I want it to be about what went wrong that got Melinda hurt. It was more about Melinda getting hurt, Phil reacting to it and see what it did to them. He’s usually the one who patches her up.  
> Thank you for those still reading and reviewing. This chapter is what longer than the others. I guess that won’t be a problem.

Chapter nine

Impatiently he sat in the hospital waiting room, waiting till he could see Melinda. Tony had called him that morning that something had gone wrong at Pepper’s meeting and that Melinda had gotten hurt. Neither of them had any specifics which made it even worse. All they knew was that Pepper was safe and Melinda was rushed to the hospital. So they’d gotten into Tony’s private yet and flown to Chicago. Now here he was with Tony waiting for Pepper. Tony was surprisingly calm and he was coiled with tension. It wasn’t the first time she’d been hurt and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last time. But this time was different because they were at odds, because he wasn’t there to protect her. He knew she didn’t need his protection, knew she could take care of herself and was certain she would do a hell of a better job than he ever could. Still, back when they were partners, even if they didn’t fight the same battles, it still felt like they were keeping each other safe. Now, for the firs time he felt alone and he felt like he left her alone. He never wanted to leave Melinda alone.

“Pepper.” Tony spotted her first and immediately wrapped her in his arms. “You okay?” He asked as he held her close. 

She squeezed him tight for a moment longer before letting go. She tried to straighten his hair and composed herself. “I’m okay, I’m just a bit shaken up.”

“What happened?” Phil asked. He’d stayed silent to give Tony and Pepper their moment but he needed to know about Melinda.  


“There was this guy, he came out of nowhere Melinda blocked him but not without getting hit too.”

“Hit how?” He needed to know how serious it was.

“He had a knife.”

“Where is she?”

Pepper pointed to where she left Melinda and Phil immediately made his way towards her. He took a calming breath before he pulled the curtain aside. There she was, sitting on the bed. He took a moment to look at her. She was in her tank top, giving him a good view of the bandage that was on her left shoulder. Her face was slightly bruised and by the way she held herself he guessed she got hit in the ribs too. “Hey.” He greeted her. 

“I’m fine, Phil.” She muttered. Really, they’d brought Phil here? He didn’t need to be here. She could take care of herself. Beside there was no reason for him to be here anymore. She was no longer under his command which meant he didn’t have to check and see if she was still fit to do her job.

He knew that tone of voice, He had to thread carefully. She didn’t like to show any weakness. He carefully took a step closer. “I can see that. Doesn’t mean we can’t worry.” He added. He saw her struggling with her jacket and he quickly took the jacket from her hand and helped her into it. “You free to go?” 

“Yes.” She slid off the bed and needed a moment to compose herself. 

“You sure?” He saw the moment she took, his hands close in case she needed steadying. He knew her well enough to know to check with the doctor or nurse. “Let me check first.”

“You don’t trust me?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. It was a loaded question, more loaded than she expected.

He knew her question was multi layered but this wasn’t the place to discuss it all. “When it comes to your health, no. You have the tendency to downplay your injuries. You need someone else to make sure you keep an eye out on you.” He paused before continuing. “Why don’t you sit back down and I’ll go and check with the doctor.” Not giving her a chance to object he quickly left to search for the doctor.

He returned a few minutes later with her release papers and painkillers. “Ready?”

“Let’s go.” She carefully got back on her feet. “I imagine you’re here with Tony’s private jet?” 

“We are.” He walked slightly behind her to keep his eyes on her and if she’d stumble, he’d be there to catch her. The doctor had told him about her injuries and he was glad to know it wasn’t too serious. Still she would need take it easy for a few days. 

During the flight back Melinda was mostly quiet. She needed time to think things through. Pepper made some calls and finished some business that needed to be taken care of. Tony looked like he was working on a new project and Phil observed it all. He kept close to Melinda, but didn’t crowd her even though he ached to touch her, to hold her close. Ever since he had found her, his feelings were jumbled and they surprised him. Melinda was his best friend, always had been. One way or another they were always a part of each other’s life and over the years it had reassured him but maybe he’d also taken it for granted. The time without her felt like a part of him was missing. The impact bigger than he’d expected. It had made him realize he’d underestimated her importance to him even though he already thought of her as his best friend. He’d realized he loved her which shouldn’t have been that big of a surprise. He’d felt an urge to tell her as if it would fix it all and of course it wouldn’t. What made it all even more confusing was now that he’d found her and had seen her a couple of times he’d been confronted with a certain yearning. Even to himself to sounded strange and maybe even pathetic. He clearly felt whole again, felt it deeply within himself. But there was something else now. He realized he’d underestimated it all. He hadn’t expected for Melinda to have created this new life for herself and in a way it hurt. Yet it also made him unsure if his goal of finding her was still the right one. Was he too selfish? Shouldn’t he step away? But he couldn’t because what he’d also come to realize was thinking that he loved her was too easy. He realized he didn’t just love her it was more than it. It was a deeper and all encompassing and he felt it in every fiber of his being. It overwhelmed him and he was afraid of overwhelming her. He wondered if it would be wise to tell how he felt or if it would scare her away. Maybe he was even thinking too far ahead because he didn’t know where Melinda stood in all this? There was still so much to recover from before they could even talk about this. 

It was Pepper who interrupted his deep thoughts. “You okay?” She’d observed Phil after finishing up her work. She wondered what was going through his head. He seemed even more troubled. She was unsure if it was due to Melinda getting hurt or if there was something else to it.

“Not really.” He admitted readily. He glanced at Melinda who was looking at her iPad, most likely going through this morning events, analyzing to make sure it would never happen again. 

“You know she’s okay.”

“I know, it’s just...” He hesitated for a moment. “The thought of not being there...” He didn’t finish his sentence but knew Pepper understood.

She nodded. “It might be something you have to get used to.”

“I know.” And really he did. 

“It’s not that easy though, isn’t it? You can’t keep denying it Phil.” She glanced at Melinda and wondered how oblivious she truly was about what was going on. “Something’s gotta give.”

He nodded. “Me.” He said. 

“Look, I don’t have any meetings outside the city these next few days. Melinda needs a few days to recover and I think you’ve had more practice at actually getting her to rest. Take this time to be together, talk and really figure it out.”

“We will. Thank you.” 

“Maybe it’s best you stay with her tonight.” Tony suggested after the plane had landed. “Make sure she doesn’t have a concussion.” 

Phil rolled her eyes at Tony’s not so subtle attempt. It was Melinda who answered. “I didn’t get hit in the head, Tony.”

“Still better to be safe than sorry.” 

“No.” Melinda answered. “I’m gonna drive myself home.” Her car was still here and she didn’t need to be driven home by Tony’s driver.

“I’ll drive you home.” Phil said. It was clear that she was still in pain, but she was far to stubborn to acknowledge that or to accept any help. “You’re in no condition to drive.”

“Phil.” She said through gritted teeth. She didn’t need this now.

“Don’t be stupid. You’re still in pain. It’s obvious. Either go with the driver or let me drive you home.” 

“Fine.” She handed him the keys and followed him. 

During the drive to her apartment neither said a word. Phil had been right, she couldn’t have driven her car herself, but she would have tried, one way or another. Some times she needed someone else to take care and Phil was one of the few people she trusted enough to do that. They were used to spending their time together after missions and especially when something had happened, it was nice to have Phil at her side. He was the only one she wanted to talk to after a mission had gone wrong. To be honest he was the only one she wanted to talk to after any mission. It had taken her some time to get used to the fact that he was no longer by her side. This was the first time since her employment at Stark Industries that something hadn’t gone as planned. She was disappointed in herself. She should have known better, should have been better. The need to be near him took her by surprise. It was most likely due to her injury and the mission gone wrong. He was the only one who could bring her comfort. It was strange he was here now, right at the moment things had gone wrong. She had the opportunity to turn to him, tell him that she needed him. It didn’t seem to be the right thing to do, it wouldn’t be fair to him. What if it had happened earlier, when he hadn’t been around? What would she have done then? Would she have gone to Maria, who she knew would help her, or would she have dealt with it alone. She knew it was the latter of the two. She only trusted him and if he wasn’t there, she would deal with it alone and she would do so now even if he was there. She needed to learn to not lean on him anymore. Quicker than she realized they arrived at her apartment. 

He parked her car and quickly got out to open the door for her. Just like during the car ride the walk to her apartment was spent in silence too. At her door, with her keys in her hand, she hesitated. Being at odds with him made her feel somewhat insecure, a feeling she disliked intensely. She disliked it as much as she disliked being at odds with Phil.

“How about I’ll make you some tea while you go and take a shower and change in more comfortable clothes?” He’d seen her hesitance, but knew better than to comment on it. 

She nodded, thankful for the way out he gave her and opened the door. She knew he would find his way in her apartment and she quickly left him to take a quick shower and change. She took her time so she could compose herself again. She changed into clothes that would bring her comfort. She opted for her black legging, a tank top and a hooded vest. She took a deep breath before she returned back to her living room. 

Melinda’s apartment surprised him. It was neat and tidy, which wasn’t a surprise. What surprised him were the personal items he found. There were photos on book shelves, one of the side tables and on her kitchen bar. He also recognized a few items like a small painting that she’d gotten from her mother. He’d never before seen Melinda having so many personal items in her home. Back at the Bus she hardly had any personal items in her room. He didn’t quite know what it meant. He was drawn to the photos. He smiled at the one of Melinda, who seemed to be about 4 or 5 years old, with her father smiling brightly at the older man. It seemed to be a candid moment and it showed the love and delight both felt. There was another one with Maria and Bobbi during their Academy days. It seemed to have been at one of their days off and the girls had gone to the beach. All three held a drink in their hands and smiled at the camera. He made his way to the side table where he found of picture of her graduation. It was one with her mother. It was a picture he’d taken for them. He remembered that day. Melinda had been buzzing with excitement ready to leave the Academy and go on with her next adventure. He could clearly see the excitement in her eyes. He heard the shower end and walked back to the open plan kitchen. Before he started preparing her tea, he took the photo on her kitchen bar in his hand. It was one of them together and he pleased him to know he was at least in a way still part of her life here. He didn’t remember this one, didn’t remember it being taken. He wondered if this was taken at someone’s birthday. He and Melinda were standing together smiling at each other. They were both leaning towards each other, his head bent forward giving her his full attention, his hand holding her upper arm. It looked like she was laughing at one of his jokes, the look in her eyes one of indulgence at his joke but he also saw happiness. It showed two people completely at ease with each other. He sighed and turned back to preparing her tea. He wondered not for the first time how it had gotten this far that they were at odds with one and other.

“Maria gave me that picture.” Melinda said, joining him in the kitchen. She’d seen him watching it, seen how he’d almost traced their faces. It was a picture she cherished. 

Wordlessly he handed her her cup of tea. “I can’t remember that one being take.”

“Me neither. It was at her birthday party. She gave it to me when I started working here.” 

“It’s a good one.” He followed her and waited for her to sit down on her couch before he sat down on one of the chairs. There was so much to talk about, but he wasn’t going to start now. Despite the shower he could see she was still tense. “Tell me what happened.” He finally said. He knew she needed to talk it through. 

Thankful for his question she did just that. Told him about the meeting and the ensuing attack. She told him about her preparations, about the goal of the meeting, about the business man they had the meeting with. She told him about the building, the meeting room and the attacker. Phil mostly listened only now and then asking a question which he knew would lead her through her thoughts. By the end she could feel the tension had left her body and she knew the attack was that of a crazy person and it had been no fault of her own. She set down her empty cup of tea and smiled at Phil. She was grateful for his help. “Thank you.”

“Always.” He answered. It was his cue to leave. “Pepper told me you have a few days off.”

“Yes. She thinks I need to rest.”

“You do.” He stood at her front door. “How about I come by tomorrow?”

She nodded slowly. “That would be nice.”

He smiled. It seemed like he was making progress. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yes, only minor injuries, remember?”

“Still...”

“I’m okay, Phil. Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She opened the door for him. 

His eyes lingered on her before he left, hearing the door close softly behind him.

TBC...


	10. A conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil and Melinda finally have a real conversation. It’s a start, but is it the right one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a bit longer to post this chapter because I got stock with a future chapter and I felt like I first needed to solve that.   
> I felt like Melinda had to show interest in the team to know she hasn’t forgotten them, yet I didn’t want to delve too much into all that happens at the end of S1 and the bits I’ve seen of S2 because I don’t want it to get too complicated and this fic is not about those events. So that’s why I wrote it the why I wrote it. I hope nobody gets upset about that. I hope this chapter doesn’t disappoint.   
> Thank you for those who leave kudos and to those who review. I really appreciate it.

Chapter ten

As she waited for Phil to return with their drinks Melinda took a moment to look around. He’d come to pick her up and brought her to the park. It was a nice day and she knew that it was time for her and Phil to talk. He was nervous. She could tell by his tense shoulders and the way he kept fidgeting either with his hands, the car keys or something else he held in his hands. Despite the pain of her injury she’d had a fairly good nights sleep. She spotted a bench nearby the one of the many ponds in the park and watched a few kids run around chasing each other. Somewhat lost in thought she suddenly saw a cup appear in front of her face. Looking up she saw Phil’s small smirk, obviously he was pleased with himself for catching her off guard. She rolled her eyes at him. “Thank you.”

Handing her, her cup of tea, Phil sat down next to her. He didn’t quite know how to start. There was so much he needed to say, so much he needed her to understand, but most of all he needed her to be happy. That was what made it all so much more complicated. If she was truly happy here, all that he wanted to tell her would become irrelevant. 

She saw he was caught up in whatever was going on his mind. By now he’d started to bounce his knee too. She put her hand on it and he immediately quieted down. “How’s the team?” She asked when she felt his eyes on her. Even though she had been keeping track of them ever since she left, she’d realized yesterday, after Phil had left, she should have asked about the team sooner. Now it appeared as if she didn’t care when that really wasn’t the case.. His sudden appearance in her life had kept her focus on them and not on the others.

He was happy with her question. Glad that she showed interest in the team and glad that she made it easier for him to talk to her.

“Good.” He smiled. “Though Jemma and Fitz seem to be struggling but I don’t know what happened between them. They’re still working together but not as fluidly anymore. Skye’s been having a hard time with Ward disappearing. Trip joined and that seems to help her but she’s searching for something more to hold on to. Some form of guidance I think and I try, but I don’t think I’m enough. Bobbi joined the team. I needed more hands after you left.” 

“I’m glad you have her. She’s a good addition. Ask her to guide Skye.”

“I did, but it’s not working. I talked to her yesterday to check up. She sounded restless. She keeps asking me about you. If I’ve talked to you and when you’ll return.”

“What do you tell her?” 

“That I don’t know if you’ll return.” He took a deep breath before he turned his body towards her. “How about you? Seems like you’ve really settled in. I know Tony and Pepper are thrilled to have you. Tony keeps telling me I can’t have you back.”

Melinda decided to ignore that rather loaded statement. “It’s been quite a surprise actually. I really like it here. It’s been more challenging than I’d expected mostly because Pepper is giving me the freedom to do whatever seems fit. Tony has been a surprise. His ideas aren’t as crazy as I’d expected. And of course working with Maria again feels like the old days.”

“You’ve found a new family here.” He’d watched her closely while she talked about her new job here and her enthusiasm was obvious. That stung because part of him had still hoped she hadn’t quite settled in though there had been more than enough evidence to the contrary. 

“I guess I did.” She noticed she still had her hand on his knee and quickly pulled it back. “What is it that you want Phil?” It wasn’t her intent to sound hostile, she really wanted to know what he wanted and what that would in turn mean for her.

“I want you to be happy.” He answered quickly. That wasn’t a difficult question to answer. 

She slightly shook her head. She wasn’t surprised by his answer. She knew he would always want what was best for her. “And what about your happiness?”

He shrugged. His happiness was tied with her and she knew that. “Not as important as yours.”

“Not to me, and you know that.”

“Hasn’t that always been one of our problems though and isn’t that why we’re here?” He thought out loud. 

“True. However, if we’re ever going to move past this and move forward, then we’re going to have to actually talk. So, talk.”

She was right of course, it just kind of caught him off guard that she was the one initiating it. Then again it wasn’t a surprise that she’d put the ball in his court. Where to even began? “I’m sorry for the way I treated you and what I said.” It seemed like the right way to begin. 

Melinda shook her head. Sorry wasn’t going to cut it. She needed more from him. “You’ve already said that. That’s not good enough and you know it.” She realized, if they were really going to talk about it all, as she suggested, this couldn’t be a one way street. She needed to share her thoughts and feelings too. It wasn’t something she enjoyed doing. It left her too vulnerable. “What I still don’t understand is why you were so willing to throw it all away.”

“I was hurt and confused.”

“You weren’t the only one.”

“I know. I went about it the wrong way. Everything was so jumbled. I was still dealing with Tahiti and then I get confronted by a betrayal from the one person I trusted with my life.”

“How could you dismiss me so easily?” To her it was one of the questions she really needed an answer to. 

“I didn’t.”

“Phil.”

“Really, I didn’t. I know it didn’t seem like it, but I really didn’t. I kept saying to myself there had to be more to it, that my best friend hadn’t deceived me. But there was no way around it anymore. At least I couldn’t see it.”

“You didn’t want to see it. Your mind was set and never once were you prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt. I ask again, why dismiss me so easily?”

Phil was getting frustrated. He wondered if any answer he was going to give, was ever going to be enough for her? Standing up, he paced up and down for a moment, giving himself a moment to collect his thoughts. “I was scared Melinda.” He finally admitted. “Everything I knew was thrown upside down and I expected you to be my solid ground like you’ve always been. It what we’ve always done, we turn towards each other when either one of us feels like he’s getting lost. I was lost. I needed to run things but I was missing my true north because it looked like she might have never existed.”

She wanted to say something, wanted to interrupt him. He stopped her with a look. “Let me finish, okay?” He needed to get it all out. “When you told me you cared, it didn’t really get through to me. I needed to focus on dealing with the problem and tried to push my fear aside. I didn’t register your words. The fear made me lash out in anger and I ignored you, your words and your feelings and I regret ever uttering those words.”

A silence fell between them. Phil, still standing but no longer pacing, turned to look at Melinda. He hadn’t seen how she’d reacted to his words. He still couldn’t. Her hair had fallen across her face, shielding her from him. It seemed appropriate, that shield, between them.

Finally she had an explanation for those hurtful words. She knew when confronted with fear, Phil didn’t always react rationally. His impulses seemed to get the best of him and usually it was up to her to calm him down, just like he did her. It just had never happened with them lashing out at each other. Not like this at least. She still wondered if the words spoken held any truth.

“You told me there was nothing personal between us anymore. How could you not see that it was always personal?” She looked at him and she wondered if her eyes held the same hurt and confusion that she saw in his blue ones. 

Phil sighed. He saw the hurt in her eyes, heard it in her soft voice. This was what had truly hurt her. “There was a lot I didn’t see, Melinda.” Between them it was, and would always be, personal. “I was blinded by it all. I got so close to losing it all and that included you, my best friend. It has never been not personal to me. The reason we got into this is because it’s personal. It will always be personal between us.” 

“I thought what we had was stronger than this. What does it mean that it isn’t?” Tired of sitting down, Melinda stood up. She waited for Phil to join her which he did. 

“That we’re human?” He wasn’t sure what to say. He silently followed her. 

She didn’t react to his words. “You’ve often asked me to trust you and I always did. I never questioned you. You did, you decided you couldn’t trust me anymore. Me keeping an eye on you was never about not trusting you. It was always about keeping you safe. How could you not see that? Why didn’t you ever consider that?” Though it was a question, she didn’t want an answer from him. She still had something to say. “You were my best friend, Phil. I expected more, I deserved more.” 

Though she’d said a lot and there was a lot that needed his response, those last words hit him hardest. Had it really come this far that they were no longer friend. “Were?” He asked.

“The problem is that you had no faith in me at all. After all we’ve been through you pushed me aside. You had no trust in me at all and I’m beginning to think you never did. So it raises the question, were we ever friends?”

“Of course.” Phil exclaimed. “How can you doubt that?”

“I just told you why. Look Phil, maybe this is enough.”

“No, this can never be enough. You can’t just leave it at this, not now when we’ve just started talking again. You need to give me a chance Melinda. I can’t...” He rambled. He wasn’t in full panic mode yet, but the determination in her voice, scared him. 

She put her hand on his arm to stop his rambling. “Enough for today. I’m not ending our conversation. I’m putting it on hold. We’ve both said a lot and we both need to think if and how we can move forward. Okay?”

He removed her hand from his arm to hold it in his hand. He squeezed it gently and caressed her hand with his thumb. “Okay. Just don’t...”

“I won’t. I promise.” She squeezed his hand gently before letting go and leaving him alone in the park. 

TBC...


	11. Time to push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria tries to talks some sense into Melinda, but will it help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who give kudos and comment. I really appreciate it. I hope you continue to like this fic.  
> Maria is here once again to talke some sense into Melinda who sometimes needs a push. Not much is happening in this chapter but I wanted to put some distance between Phil and Melinda.

Chapter eleven

It had been more than a day since Melinda last talked to Phil. Part of her had thought he would have contacted her by now. He hadn’t and she wasn’t sure what that meant. She was back at work. Sitting at home, recovering as people called it, really wasn’t her thing. Besides she hadn’t been hurt that badly. 

“Hey.” Maria greeted her friend. Crossing her office she sat down on the other side of the desk on one of the two chairs. “I’m pretty sure Pepper told you to take the rest of the week off. You managed two days.” 

“Two days is a new record.”

“How’s Phil?” 

“How are you, Melinda? I’m doing well. Thanks for asking.” Melinda countered Maria’s question.

“How are you Melinda?” Maria indulged her friend. She would get to her question soon enough. 

“I’m doing well. Thanks for asking. And you?”

“Doing well too.”

“Anything interesting happen while I was gone?”

Maria shook her head. “Nothing.” She repeated her earlier question. “How’s Phil?”

Melinda shrugged. “I don’t know.” 

“You haven’t talked to him?”

“Not for a while, no.”

“But he took you home, right?”

“I see you’ve talked to Pepper.”

Maria shook her head. “It was Tony actually. You didn’t talk when he took you home?” 

“Not really. He dropped me off. Made me a cup of tea and left.”

“That’s it?” Surely that couldn’t be all. 

She shook her head. “No, we talked the next day. But we haven’t talked since.”

She heard the defeated tone in her friend’s voice. “Wanna tell me about it?”

Melinda shrugged. She didn’t really want to talk about it, but she also didn’t know what to think of Phil’s silence. “We talked, we really talked for the first time in... I don’t know how long. He explained to me why he did what he did.”

“And why did he?”

She couldn’t tell Maria everything. What they had talked about was private. “He felt lost and scared.”

There had to be more to it than that, but she respected Melinda’s boundaries. She understood she wanted to keep things between her and Phil. “That’s why he pushed you away?”

“Yes.”

“Did you tell him how you felt?”

She nodded. “I told him that I deserved more, that I deserved his trust. I told him I thought we were best friends.” 

“Were?” Maria scooted closer. “Don’t tell me this is it between you and Phil? It can’t. You’ve been best friends and partners for years. It can’t be over. Yes he hurt you and I would kick his ass if you let me or I could even ask Natasha to take care of that. Bet that would make it hurt. Just give me a sign and I’ll do it.” By now Maria was back on her feet. “But this can’t be the end for you and Phil. Is this about you not wanting to go back to SHIELD?”

Melinda shook her head. “No. We haven’t even discussed that.”

“Would you go back?”

“I..., I don’t know. I like it here.”

“Then I don’t understand. There has always been such chemistry between you two. It’s still there. You two mean so much to each other. Can you really imagine a life without Phil?”

“I can’t.” She admitted.

Maria took her seat again. “We all make mistakes. You know that. What’s holding you back?”

Melinda sighed. That was a loaded question and not an easy one to answer. She didn’t have to answer though. Maria was still talking.

“Why can’t you and Phil open your eyes and see what’s right in front of you? What are you so afraid of?” 

“Everything.” That was easy to answer. “How can we ever get back to what we were, or move forward if he doesn’t trust me? Where does that leave us?”  
“I don’t know.” She wished she had the answer. “There’s too much history to leave it like this. Why can’t this be a bump in the road? Why can’t you move forward? What’s holding you back?” She saw the insecurity and questions in her friend’s eyes. “I want you to be happy, Melinda. Phil has always played an important part in your happiness. Whatever you’re afraid of don’t let it ruin your future, okay?”

Melinda nodded. “Okay.”

Time to get back to the other issue at hand. “So since you’ve talked you haven’t heard from him?”

“No. I told him we both needed time to think if and how we could move forward.”

She guessed Phil was keeping his distance on purpose, too afraid to push Melinda away. He wanted to give her the space she needed. “I think he’s waiting for you. The ball’s in your court. He doesn’t want to pressure you. Whatever happens now, is completely up to you.” Maria stood up. Melinda deserved some time to think it all through. “Don’t let him leave, Melinda.” Maria said before she walked back to her own office. 

TBC...


	12. Cheering Phil up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony feels like Phil needs some cheering up and sets up a meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Melinda and Phil need to find solid ground again without them talking about the heavy stuff. Plus Phil deserved some cheering up and I love adorable Phil. 
> 
> For those who are still hanging in there. The end is near, I only need to write the epilogue. Thank you for the kudos and comments. It makes me smile!

Chapter twelve

Deciding Maria was right, Melinda knew she needed to find Phil. She scrolled through her phone to call him, but decided against it. Instead she called Pepper, asking her if she knew where Phil was staying. She wrote down the address even though he wouldn’t be there. Tony had invited Phil over, stating he needed cheering up. After finishing up her work she would go find Phil and look him up. 

Tony had a surprise for Phil who clearly needed some cheering up. He tried to get Phil to talk about Melinda but he was keeping his mouth shut. Phil was walking around like a lost puppy and he couldn’t stand it. Phil deserved more, better, he deserved happiness. He guessed inviting Melinda over most likely wouldn’t help right now. So he chose the next best person, he’d called in Cap. He’d kept Phil’s trading cards and got them cleaned. Cap could sign them and he was sure it would at least brighten his day. 

“You know I’m really not in the mood to talk.” Phil said. He was once again at Tony and Pepper’s place. Tony had invited him and though he appreciated the company, he wasn’t really in the mood to talk and he was sure Tony wanted to talk about Melinda.

“Who says I wanna talk?” 

“You always wanna talk.” 

“Drink?”

Phil nodded. He took the beer Tony handed him and followed Tony to the garage. 

“Remember your Captain America trading cards?” Tony asked. He knew Cap was already here. After all Cap was never one to be late. 

“I do. Took me a while and quite a lot of money to get them. Don’t know what happened to them. Probably got destroyed.”

“No they didn’t.” Tony reached into his jacket pocket and got them out. “I saved them and got them cleaned up.”

“Please tell me you didn’t ruin them?” He was excited to get his cards back. He hadn’t started a new collection. He cherished the old one and didn’t want to replace them. The old ones had history. Each of them held a story of how he’d gotten them. One of them was his dad’s. 

“I’m offended, Phil. As if I would ruin these.” He held them up before handing them to his friend.

Phil immediately took them taking a closer look at each of them. Forgetting the world around him for a moment he took his time. He traced each card with his finger. Looking at the cards was a trip down memory lane for him. Some good memories, some not so much, but he didn’t mind. His finger lingered on his dad’s card. 

“How about I finally sign them?” Captain America, Steve Rogers, asked. He’d been working in Tony’s garage on his old bike while waiting for Tony to arrive with Phil.

“Cap?” Was Steve really here? He looked from Tony, who was grinning, back to Steve again. 

“Good to see you again, Phil.” Steve greeted him. He held his hand out to shake Phil’s. 

It took Phil a moment to recover and shake the man’s hand. “Yeah, you too.” 

“Don’t ever do anything like that again, though. Okay?” Steve warned his friend. Seeing Phil’s nod he continued. “Now, how about I sign those cards.” 

Phil grinned and eagerly handed his cards over. He was grateful Tony had arranged this for him. He looked at his friend who merely smiled and nodded before turning back to Steve’s bike. Phil enthusiastically started to tell Steve about the story behind each card. Steve listened attentively and asked questions about each one. When he got to the last one, Phil hesitated. This wasn’t his dad’s, Steve had already signed that one. This was the one Melinda had given him.

“What about this one, Phil?” 

“Euhh..” Phil hesitated. “Melinda gave me that one. She’d been through quite a rough mission, a mission that changed her. I tried to be by her side as best as I could. At first I didn’t know if I even got through to her. She’d been pushing every one away. One day, I got home and there on my kitchen table was this envelope. Inside this card and a small thank you note.” He got lost in the memory for a moment. Melinda had really closed herself off back then and he’d wondered if he’d gotten through to her. The card she’d given him was the first sign that his Melinda was still in there. He cherished that moment because he’d been afraid he might had lost her. 

“She must be a good friend.” He signed the last card and handed them back to Phil.

“The best.”

“Friendships are important. Tell me about her.” He’d noticed Phil’s change in demeanor when he’d talked about Melinda. It had gone from joy to some sort of melancholy. “She’s with SHIELD too?”

Phil nodded. “We started together at the Academy. She’s this small, but formidable woman. In the beginning people thought they could mess with her or they could easily take her out. She proved them wrong and they quickly knew not to mess with her. She’s an extraordinary woman. Strong, silent, but deadly if need be. She’s loyal and has a big heart. She always has my back. I’d be lost without her.”

Steve nodded. He knew how important partnerships and friendships were in their field of work. He detected something else in his friend’s voice too, but decided to let it slide. “She’s still at your side?” Unbeknownst to him, Steve was asking a loaded question.

“Tony told you?”

“Tell me what?” Only thing Tony had told him was that Phil was back and that he was Director of SHIELD. That had been quite something to process already.

“Melinda’s working for Tony now.”

Steve turned around. “Tony, you stole Phil’s Melinda?”

“I did not.” Tony stood up and held his hands up in surrender. “She found Maria and Maria offered her a job. I’m keeping her though. Phil can’t have her back.”

Steve watched Phil lower his eyes and drop his shoulders. The defeat clear in his posture. “Partnerships are never easy, but never give up on them. I’m guessing though that it’s more than a partnership?”

“For me it is. But it took me too long to realize that. I kept denying it.”

“And for her?”

“I don’t know. Maybe there was at one point. Now..., now I think I hurt her too much.” He paused for a moment. “What if it’s too little too late?”

He couldn’t answer that. “Look, Phil, in a way you’ve gotten a second chance at life. Just like I have. Don’t let that second chance be for nothing. For me it was too late, but if I could have another chance, I would let nothing stop me. I would fight for all I was worth. Only you know if she’s worth the fight.”

She was. He knew she was. “What if I’m the only one fighting?”

“You keep fighting until there’s nothing more to fight for.”

He nodded. Steve was right. Melinda was worth fighting for and until she told him he no longer had a place in her life, he would keep fighting. 

Steve stood up and put his hand on Phil’s shoulder. “Now tell me, are you any good at fixing bikes?” He asked while pushing Phil gently in the direction of Tony and his bike. 

TBC...


	13. Time together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melinda meets Cap. Phil is still over the moon that he got his cards signed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to those who are still hanging there. Phil and Melinda finally have a moment without any tension between them. I wanted them just to be them again so they remember what/who they are together. I love sweet goofy Phil and I bet Melinda does too. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter thirteen

Melinda followed Pepper into her home. Tony had informed them that Phil was still with them so Pepper had asked her if she wanted to join them at her home. Needing to talk to Phil she’d agreed to it. Both women looked around. The house seemed to be too quiet. Seeing no one in the living room, kitchen and Tony’s so called man cave left only one option. Basement. She followed Pepper downstairs and waited for her to enter the access code. As soon as the doors opened they were confronted with loud music. Tony’s several robots seemed to be working on a classic car. Tony was in the far right corner of his basement tinkering away at yet another robot. Melinda’s eyes settled quickly on the man she was looking for. Phil had his back towards her. He was on his knees, hunched over and he seemed to be working on a bike. That was quite a surprise. Phil knew a bit about cars, but when it came to really fixing cars or bikes, he wasn’t really in his element. It was only a few seconds later she noticed a man next to him. The shirt he had on accentuated his muscular back and shoulders. She didn’t get anymore time to observe them in silence. Tony had spotted them. 

“Pepper.” Tony immediately turned down the music to greet his girlfriend. He wrapped her in his arms and kissed her softly. “Everything okay at work?”

Pepper’s hand lingered on his cheek. “Yes.” She turned and looked around. “I see you’ve been enjoying yourself.”

Tony nodded. “More importantly, he’s been enjoying himself.” Tony looked at Phil who had gotten up on his feet when the music had been turned down.

Expecting to only see Pepper, Phil took a moment to look at the bike before getting up on his feet and turning around. He gasped when he saw Melinda. He hadn’t expected to see her. He stood still, rooted on his spot, unsure of how to proceed.

She looked at him, his jeans were smudged. His blue Captain America t-shirt was smudged too as were his arms. She took a moment to appreciate his arms. She’d always liked his strong arms. She wondered when the last time was that she’d seen him this relaxed. The sparkle was back in his eyes and it made her happy. Looking at the man next to Phil she grinned. The reason for the sparkle in his eyes. Next to Phil stood his hero, Captain America. She noticed Phil bouncing on his feet. He was excited and clearly wanted to share something with her. She noticed his hesitance in moving forward. She knew she needed to take that first step. “Hi.”

Apparently it was all the encouragement he needed. He grabbed something from the nearby table and practically bounced towards her. She loved to see that adorable goofy smile on his face. “Cap is here.”

“I can see that.” She wanted to go up and greet the man, but Phil blocked her path. 

“He signed my cards!” 

She couldn’t stop the smile on her face. His enthusiasm was infectious. She knew how much he loved his trading cards and knew he’d always wanted to have them signed. She glanced at Tony for a moment and nodded her gratitude. She knew Phil had been searching for his cards, but hadn’t been able to find them. She guessed Tony had kept them and had arranged this get together. He was a good friend. 

“Wanna see?” Phil asked holding them out for her. She knew the story about each one of them. 

She nodded and took them from him. As she looked at every card she remembered their history and importance. The last card, was the card she’d given him. Unlike the others, where his hero had merely put down his signature, he’d added a few words on her card. Keep fighting, it said.   
She looked at Phil again and he still had that goofy smile on his face. “They’re great. Better not let anything happen to them this time.” She handed the cards back to him. 

In that moment she got lost in his eyes. She was happy to see the sparkle in them again. She was also glad to see that the sadness was replaced by warmth. He had that gentle look in his eyes again. The one that always seemed to weaken her resolve. She wondered if he knew the effect he had on her when he looked at her like that? It gave her such a warm feeling inside and at times a bit of giddiness too. He looked at her as if she was the only one in the room. He looked as if there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her. He made her feel beautiful. In the past she’d wondered if that look had been love, but she’d dismissed it quickly.

Steve had decided to get back to working on his bike. He didn’t want to interrupt the moment Phil was having with the woman whom he assumed was Melinda. Pepper and even Tony were starting to feel uncomfortable by now. It seemed Phil and Melinda were having and entire conversation with their eyes, yet no one knew what they were actually saying. It was Pepper eventually who interrupted the moment. “How about we all have dinner?” She turned to Steve. “Steve?”

“Phil, are you and Melinda staying?” Steve asked.

He would stay if Melinda wanted to stay. “Melinda?”

She knew he would want to spend more time with Steve and she wanted to spend more time with Phil. Maybe it would be good for them to enjoy each other’s company and just be. “We’d love too.”

“Okay. Let me see what we have.” 

“Let me help you.” Phil immediately said. He followed Pepper, not before handing his cards to Melinda for safe keeping. “Keep them safe?” He asked and she answered with a short nod. She watched Phil walk away before turning towards his hero. Tony had decided to follow Pepper and Phil.

“Melinda May.” Melinda finally introduced herself to Steve, shaking his hands. 

“Steve Rogers.”

“Thank you for signing his cards.” She felt like she needed to thank him too. “I’m pretty sure he’ll be talking about it for a while.”

“I’m glad I could finally sign them.” He watched Melinda walking around his bike, taking a closer look at the motor. “You know anything about bikes? I’m having problems with the motor.”

She nodded. “Yeah. I’ve always had a bike. Wanna tell me what the problem is?” She shed her jacket as Steve explained the problem. A couple of minutes later they both got to work. 

“Glad you’re better at this than Phil.” Steve commented a while later. Phil really hadn’t been that much of a help. He’d mostly talked about is team, his collection of memorabilia and quite a lot about Melinda. 

Melinda smirked. “Phil’s better at cars than bikes.”

“He told me you’re quite the warrior.”

She waved it off. “He likes to exaggerate.” 

“From what he told me, I don’t think he exaggerated. You’ve been partners for a long time, right?”

She nodded. “We were.”

“You’re working at Stark industries now.” Steve stood up and wiped his hands on the nearby towel. 

“I do.” She was pretty sure Phil had told him a bit about their current situation. “It was a necessary move.”

“It’s not always a bad thing to spend some time apart. Brings things in perspective.” He hesitated. He didn’t know Melinda very well. Before he could say anything, Melinda did.

“You wrote keep fighting on the card I gave Phil. How much did he tell you about us?”

“Not much. He told me a bit about your history and that you were currently apart instead of together. It seemed as if he’d lost faith, so I told him to keep fighting for what he believed in. I think it made him feel a bit better.” He looked at Melinda. “I don’t know what happened. He never told me nor is it any of my business. He’s a good man, a good friend but I’m sure you already know that. Not working together doesn’t have to be the end of you two.”

“I know.” She’d been thinking about that all day. Going back to SHIELD didn’t appeal to her, but life without Phil wasn’t an option either. She just wasn’t sure what he thought of that. She knew he was counting on her to come back to SHIELD.

TBC...


	14. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls discuss Steve’s fine form when the guys call them out on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just another light chapter, giving Melinda and Phil the chance to just be together again. Thanks for the reviews and kudos and to tall who is reading.

Chapter fourteen

Dinner was better than she expected it to be. She loved seeing Phil interact with Steve. His admiration for the man still so very obvious and very sweet. Phil was talkative, gesturing with his hands which he did when he got excited. It had been a while since she’d seen him smile like this. It gave her a feeling of contentment. She caught Pepper’s eyes at one point. Both merely looked at the men and smiled. It was fun to see these three men interact and goof around. After dinner and a cup of coffee, Steve announced he had to go back to base. He thanked Pepper and Phil for dinner, clapped Tony on his shoulder and said his goodbye to Melinda. Both women kept their eyes on Steve until he was no longer insight.

“Really Pepper?” Tony said. “I’m right here.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Tony rolled his eyes. As if he would believe that. Besides her ogling Steve had been obvious. “If you didn’t want me to notice, you shouldn’t have been so obvious.”

“Obvious about what?” She faked innocence. 

“You saw it too, right Phil?” He needed some support her.

Phil glanced at Melinda, who was seated next to him, before turning back to Tony. “They were hardly subtle about it.”

“They?” Melinda felt the need to get involved. 

“Yes, Lin. You too.” Her nickname had just slipped out without any thought. He hadn’t called her by her nickname in for such a long time, but it felt right again. It seemed to fit their evening, an evening spend with friends who enjoyed each other’s company.

She fought the grin that threatened to escape. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d called her Lin. He was the only one who got to call her that. Other’s who’d tried to give her nick names always failed. But his nick name for her, she liked it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She decided to go for innocence, just like Pepper. But just like Pepper, she couldn’t pull it off.

“You two were ogling Steve.” Tony called it like it was.

Both women shrugged. So what if they were. His physical appearance warranted some extra looks. “Should I have ignored him then?” Pepper asked.

“No, but you could have been less obvious.”

“I see no point in that. You’re never that subtle when you’re checking someone out either Tony.”

“I don’t do that anymore.” He defended himself.

Pepper padded his knee. “You can’t blame a girl for looking. How often do you get to see a man like that. Right Melinda?” She looked across the table to her friend. 

“True.” Melinda said before setting her cup of tea down. “Did you see those bulging muscles in that tight white shirt?” She smiled at Pepper’s enthusiastic nod. “I’m beginning to like plain white shirts like that again.” 

“Yes that shirt really highlighted his broad shoulders and chest.”

“And those arms.” Melinda added. 

“Strong arms.” Pepper agreed.

“I’ve got strong arms too.” Tony muttered, disturbing the women’s moment. “I expected more from you two. Steve is more than just his physique. He’s a person.”

“Yes.” Pepper’s enthusiasm was still there. “Not only is he great to look at, he’s this great guy too. He’s got it all.” She saw Melinda nod in agreement. “He’s a great catch.”

Phil thought about that for moment. He’d seen Melinda and Steve having some moments during the evening. He didn’t know what they’d been talking about. It was clear they got along. They’d spend quite some time working on Steve’s bike. Maybe they had bonded over that. He did like it that Melinda and Steve were getting along. That was important to him. He’d lost track of the conversation for only a short moment but he’d clearly missed something. Tony was now on his feet and rolling up his sleeves.

“I’ve got strong arms too. I can wear a white shirt too. I’ll buy one a size smaller and I’ll look just as muscular.” With his sleeves rolled up Tony flexed his muscles, trying to impress both women. 

Pepper grinned at her boyfriend’s antics. “What do you think Melinda?”

She shrugged “Still wouldn’t be as impressive.”

Tony glared at Melinda. Time for a little bit of revenge. “Okay fine. I might not be your number one choice, but I am Pepper’s. How about Phil? What if he wore a white shirt, size too small also and showed his very muscular arms. Would you still pick Steve over Phil?”

She glared back at Tony, knowing all too well what he was doing. Before she could even contemplate formulating an answer, Tony was talking again. 

“On your feet, Phil. Flex those muscles.”

He’d been watching Melinda closely the entire evening. She was relaxed and clearly enjoying herself. He was happy that despite everything else, they could still spend an evening together without it being strained. He enjoyed the banter between the four of them. “I’m not going to flex my muscles Tony. There’s no way we can compete with Steve. Just be glad Thor isn’t here. People say he’s dreamy.”

“He is.” Melinda and Pepper both sighed. 

“You’ve actually met him, haven’t you Pepper?” Melinda asked. 

“I did.”

“And?”

“Even better in real life. Very impressive.” She added.

Tony groaned and stood up. He knew when to cut his losses. “Let’s go and get a beer Phil. I suspect they’ll be comparing Thor and Cap for the next hours. A man can only take so much.” Standing up he waited for Phil to join him. He looked at Pepper. “You’re making me feel very insecure. I might need some consoling later on.”

“Sure thing babe.” 

Standing up, Phil was reluctant to leave Melinda alone. He wanted to spend more time with her, but he didn’t wanted to interrupt her time with Pepper, nor did he want to more hear about Thor and Cap’s assets. 

Both women grinned at each other and watched their men walk away. “Thank you, Pepper. Not only for a wonderful evening, but for everything.”

“You’re welcome.” 

She needed Pepper to know how much she appreciated their friendship. “Seriously, Pepper. You’ve been great ever since Maria introduced us. You, Tony and Maria, you’ve made me feel at home here. I didn’t expect feeling like that again.” 

“We love having you here. You fit in perfectly.” She wondered where this conversation was going. Was Melinda going to leave? “Are you thinking about leaving?” She wouldn’t stop Melinda from doing so and she understood this wasn’t just about the job.

“No.” She shook her head. Whatever was going to happen between her and Phil, she’d realized there was no going back to SHIELD for her. This is where she needed to be. It was time for her and Phil to go separate ways. She only hoped that didn’t mean the end of their friendship. If these last few days had made anything clear, it was that she wanted Phil back in her life. But working together was no longer an option because they would end up getting entangled in it all again. She didn’t want to hide anything from him anymore nor did she want him to hide anything from her either. If she were to go back to SHIELD, work side by side with him again, they would eventually end up in a similar situation again. “This has become home.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Pepper got up and and a moment later returned with two glasses of wine. 

“What about Phil?”

“I want my friend back.” 

“He’s counting on you coming back to SHIELD.” 

“I know, but I can’t. I just... I don’t know how he’ll react and I don’t know what it’ll mean for our friendship and if it’s a dealbreaker for him.”

Did Melinda really not see what she and Phil had or was she being ignorant on purpose? She knew Melinda wasn’t one to play games so that could only mean she was really blind. “What you and Phil have, might have started at SHIELD, but it’s not defined by SHIELD. Tell him, Melinda and move forward after that.”

TBC...


	15. A game of pool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Phil talk and there’s a bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like before I’d like to thank those who continue to keep reading this fic. Thank you. In this chapter Phil and Melinda don’t have their talk yet. First it’s Tony giving Phil some advice. I like their dynamics. Tony’s a good guy, a good friend. He wants what’s best for Phil and in this case Melinda is what’s best for Phil. But he also doesn’t want Phil to get his hopes up to get disappointed.   
> Next chapter, Phil and Melinda will talk. I promise.

Chapter fifteen

His day, which had started rather gloomy, had turned out great. Having his cards signed and spending time with Cap were a highlight, but probably more so, was the time he’d spend with Melinda. There was no tension between them, it felt more relaxed and easy going. It was what he at least had needed. Since he’d showed up in her life again it had been hard to reconnect with her. But tonight, he’d felt that connection again and it warmed his heart. He had really missed that content, warm feeling he had when he was with her. He didn’t want this evening to end. Melinda and Pepper were back in the living room, probably still talking about Thor. Tony had dragged him into his man cave. 

“Thank you for today, Tony.” 

“You’re welcome.” Tony handed Phil one of the two cues he held in his hand and walked back to the pool table. “Game of eight ball?”

He was surprised that Tony, who usually liked the more tech savvy toys, liked to play pool and even had a pool table. “Sure.”

They talked a bit about work and shared some childhood memories. Who would have thought that years after meeting Tony Stark for the first time, he would consider him a friend. He’d wanted to punch the arrogant bastard in the face back then. Tony was a good man though and a good friend. It wasn’t too long though till Tony steered the conversation to Melinda. He asked about their time at the academy and SHIELD. He knew all too well what Tony was doing and let him. After all he was beating him at pool. He’d found something he was better at than Tony. 

“Let me ask you something.” Tony started. 

Phil nodded, wondering what was coming. Tony suddenly sounded very serious. 

“Have you considered the option that Melina might not want to come back to SHIELD?”

Phil was taken aback by his question. Whenever he thought about the option he’d quickly stopped himself from going down that road. “Has she said something to you or Pepper?”

“No.” Tony shook his head. “I just don’t want you to be caught by surprise. What’s more important Melinda back at SHIELD, or Melinda staying here but having her back in your life?”

“I just want Melinda back.” 

“So if you both go your separate ways professionally, you’d be okay with that?”

“She’s my partner. She’s always been my side. Not having here there would be tough, but if it meant still having her in my life. Then yes, I’d be okay with that.” 

Leaning against the pool table, Tony looked at Phil. He wasn’t really sure if Phil was refusing to acknowledge his feelings concerning Melinda, if he was purposely keeping it to himself, or if he really did not know. He didn’t truly know all that had transpired between Phil and Melinda during their many years as partners. He didn’t know if maybe at some point they’d crossed that line. Or maybe there had been other issues that had been holding them back? But what he did know, was that these two had a bond stronger than mere friendship. What would it take for them to finally do something about it? Even death hadn’t spurred either of them into action. What would it then take? “When Pepper and I split, I realized I’d taken her for granted.” Phil probably didn’t know that he and Pepper had split up. “Even before we got together, she had always been there. Always at my side. That didn’t change when we got together. It felt better even, but I fell back into my old ways, taking everything and everyone for granted, not appreciating the people around me and more importantly, not showing Pepper how much she meant to me. Only after she left I started to feel this void, you know. I got self destructive.” He glanced at Phil and saw him nod. He had his attention. “I had underestimated how deeply I loved her and how important she is to me. Admitting my failure was relatively easy, getting her to give me another chance was far from easy. She asked me if I wanted her back because I needed her to run the company.”

“What did you say?”

“Told her I didn’t care about the company. All I wanted was her and if that meant getting rid of the company, I would have.”

“And if she’d wanted to work somewhere else?”

“I’d be okay with that too. All that mattered was that we’d still be together. I love working with her every day, knowing she’s there, but more importantly she’s the one I go home to.”

“I want that too.” Phil said wistfully. “I want to come home to her.” 

Tony smiled. “Then make sure she knows that.” 

It was a few rounds later, rounds that he had all won, that Phil watched Pepper and Melinda walk in. His eyes caught Melinda’s and he was happy to see that she was relaxed. Her eyes held a kind of softness he’d missed. He was also hit by his need to walk up to her, wrap his arm around her shoulder or waist and pull her close against his body. He wanted to be able to give her a soft kiss as he greeted her. He wanted that closeness. Part of him also wanted others to know that that beautiful woman was his. He slightly shook his head. He was getting ahead of himself. He stopped himself from walking up to her, but his eyes never strayed from hers. 

“Are you as bad as Tony, Phil?” Pepper asked, joining the men at the pool table.

He shook his head. “Is that even possible?” He grinned.

“Hey.” Tony protested. “Maybe I’m letting you win.” 

“Do you even know how to do that?” Phil asked.

“I might.” Tony offered.

Pepper and Melinda glanced at each other. Both by now were familiar with both men’s behavior. “How about it. Boys vs girls.”

Tony glared at Pepper before turning to Phil. “She’s already started with the mind games. That’s how she thinks they can win.” He turned back to Pepper. “You mean men.” He puffed his chest.

Ignoring his words, she grabbed a cue for Melinda and one for herself. “Less talking. Let’s go.”

Tony turned to Phil. “How good is she?” He asked about Melinda.  
   
He looked at Melinda, for a moment getting lost in her beautiful dark eyes. He once again felt the yearning to close the distance between them. It was probably for the best there was a pool table between them. He’d always been a touchy feely kinda person. Melinda not so much so he kept his distance though often wanting to reach out and touch her, if only to reassure himself of her presence. But those little moments, a brush of shoulders or hands, his hand on the small of her back, those moments were important to him, it’s when he felt how strong their connection was. After all this time apart, he craved for the closeness they’d shared as well mentally as physically. For the first time since his arrival he felt like it was still there even if it was somewhat fragile.  
   
“Phil?” Tony asked when it seemed like he wasn’t going to get an answer.  
   
He kept his eyes on Melinda, noticing how she raised an eyebrow in question. “She’s really good.”  
   
“Think we can handle them?” He asked.  
   
“Maybe.” Tony had to up his game and he had to be at his best. He knew how good Melinda was. “How good is Pepper?”  
   
“Not that good.”  
   
“Hey.” Pepper protested. “You’ll regret saying that, mister.” She looked at Melinda. “Let’s up the ante.”  
   
“Good idea.” She thought for a moment. “Cutthroat Pool. Best out of three. Pepper vs Tony, me against Phil. I doubt a third game will be necessary.” Watching Tony gather the balls and prepare them for a new game, Melinda looked at Phil. Phil wasn’t a bad pool player, but he’d never been able to beat her. If Phil won from Tony, they were in for an easy game. She knew Pepper could easily win from Tony. 

“And the stakes?” Tony asked.

“How about we make it interesting?” Melinda said.

Phil noticed the glint in her eyes. “What do you have in mind?” The idea of a bet did interest him. Plus he always enjoyed Melinda’s playful side.

She shrugged as if she wasn’t sure. “Well.” She looked at Pepper before turning back to the two men.

Tony and Phil looked at each other. Both aware that the women had planned this. That could never be a good thing. “We’re in trouble, Phil.” Tony muttered and Phil nodded his agreement. 

“Remember that charity auction that’s coming up in a few weeks? If we win, you two get auctioned off. If we loose, we’ll get auctioned off.”

“You want to auction us off?” 

“Yes, Tony. I’m pretty sure there are more than enough people who’d spend a fair amount of money to go to dinner with you and pick your brain.” Pepper walked up to Tony and slid her hand over his arm. “It’s for charity. We need to help the children.”

“Fine.” He grumbled. “What do you think, Phil?”

“Would it be like a date?” He really didn’t feel like going on a date with a stranger. 

“Could be.” Melinda grinned at him. “You wouldn’t want to disappoint the children, now would you?”

Looking at her, he squinted his eyes. “I doubt I’d bring in that much money.”

“Don’t underestimate yourself.” Melinda muttered. She knew how good he looked in suit and tie or a tuxedo.” “How about it? Do we have a deal?”

“Why aren’t you two upset by the possibility of being auctioned off?” Tony asked.

“Because we won’t.” It was indeed that easily. “Now do you accept our terms?” Pepper asked once more.

The men looked at each other before shaking hands with the women. The bet was on and so they began.

TBC...


	16. Time to talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil and Melinda finally get a chance to talk. Melinda tells him she isn’t coming back to SHIELD and Phil doesn’t know how to handle that. Will they drift further apart?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well we’re nearing the end of this one. They finally really talk, but it’s difficult. Don’t hate me at the end okay? For all of you reading, thank you! I loved discovering this ship and this fandom and it’s been a real joy. I’m already looking forward to another fic, but I don’t know what it’ll be yet.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter sixteen

In the end the bet was easily won by Pepper and Melinda. The men hadn’t really stood a chance. Tony had tried and really hadn’t been that bad but Pepper could still easily beat him. Melinda had lured Phil into a false sense of security, giving him the impression he was actually winning. Then when he got over confident she struck and easily beat him. 

“Get ready to be auctioned off you two.” Pepper laughed at both men’s faces. 

“You’re entirely too happy about this.” Tony grumbled. It was naive to think they even had a chance. “I don’t know how yet, but I will have my revenge.” 

“Sure you will honey.” Pepper placated him. 

Phil walked up to Melinda and leaned against the pool table with his hip. “You did that on purpose.” 

She looked at him, her face giving nothing away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He leaned forward a bit. “You don’t fool me Melinda May. I know you.” He said softly and he really did before leaning back again. 

“And I you. I know your weaknesses when it comes to these games. You get too confident.”

He smiled indulgently. She was right and she did indeed know his weaknesses. She knew all of them. “I guess that means I need to be back here again for the auction.” 

“I guess you do.” Even though he didn’t know yet that she wasn’t going to go back to SHIELD, things like this ensured they would still be able to see each other. “Don’t even think about not showing up.”

“I wouldn’t dare. After all, it’s for the children.” He repeated her earlier words.

Looking at her watch she sighed softly. It was getting late and she needed to get home. She really didn’t want this evening to end. “I need to go home.”

“Can you drop me off?” He asked.

Melinda nodded. Some more time with him would be nice. 

“Maybe we could talk some more?” He asked hesitantly. He didn’t want to push especially after the wonderful evening they’d spend together. 

Again Melinda nodded. She did want talk, after all that’s why she’d gone to Pepper and Tony’s place. “It’s late. I’m going to go home.” She started, making her way to Tony and Pepper. “Thanks for dinner.”

“You’re welcome. I’m already looking forward to that auction.” 

“Me too. I’ll drop Phil off.”

“I’m sure you will.” Tony couldn’t help but aid. “Phil, we need to think of some form of revenge. This cannot happen again.”

“I agreed.” He hugged the other man before hugging Pepper, thanking them both for a great evening. 

“You got your cards, Phil?”

He pointed at Melinda. “She’s been keeping them safe for me tonight.” They said their goodbyes and Phil followed Melinda to her car. At the car she handed him his cards, before getting into the car. 

“Tonight was nice.” Phil said after a long silence. Though this time, the silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable. Which to him was another sign that maybe they were healing. 

“It was.” She agreed. “Though your afternoon with Steve must have been the highlight. He signed your cards.” She glanced at him, smiling at the big smile that appeared on his face.

“Yeah. It was great, but it wasn’t the highlight.”

“It wasn’t? You were fangirling the entire time he was there.” She enjoyed teasing him. 

“I was not.” He exclaimed. 

“Really? ”

“I was not.” He said again.

“You were giddy around him. I caught you staring at him. I bet you got your picture taken with him.”

“I did.” He admitted. “You wanna see it?” He was about to reach for his phone, but put it away again. Melinda needed to keep her focus on the road. “I may have been staring at times,” he admitted, “but you were checking him out.”

“So what if I was.” She shrugged. 

“If Steve was auctioned off, would you bid for him?” 

“Of course, though I’d expect I wouldn’t be the only one. He’d bring in a lot of money.”

“Would you spend a lot of money on him?”

She kept her eyes focused on the road even though there was something in his voice that made her want to look at him to figure out what it was. “For the children I would.” She joked. When she got no reaction from him, she answered again. “I couldn’t afford him.” 

“But you would if you could?”

“What’s this about?” She really didn’t understand it. They’d reached the address he’d given her. She’d expected a hotel but it wasn’t. It was an apartment building. 

“Tony’s letting me stay in one of his apartments.” He opened the car door, but waited for her to make sure she was getting out too which she was. “It’s better than a hotel, much nicer too.”

“I’m sure it is.” She still didn’t know why he wanted to know if she would bid on Steve. She would let it go. There were more important things to talk about. On the elevator both were quiet, lost in their own thoughts. They walked to the door and just as quietly walked into the apartment. 

“You want a cup of tea?” 

She shook her head. “I’m not going back to SHIELD.” She thought it best to just get it out. Judging by his shocked expression she maybe shouldn’t have been so blunt.

Even though Tony had mentioned it, and apparently had been spot on, he hadn’t truly considered it to be an option. Gone was the great feeling he’d had, gone was his trust that he and Melinda were building bridges. He felt drained by her words. “Why not?” 

“Because this is where I want to be.” She saw the hurt in his blue eyes.

“You like it here better than with us?” Better than with me was his unasked question. 

She heard his unspoken question, but wasn’t prepared to answer it just yet. “You know as well as I do that this isn’t just about where I like it better.”

“So you do like it here better.” He said again. He was getting agitated. He was ready to fight which seemed like the better option to him than focusing on the fear that threatened to get a grip on him. 

“Phil.” She saw how agitated he was getting and that didn’t always bode well when all she wanted was to have a real conversation with him. “Did you really think I would just go back to SHIELD and leave this all behind just because you want me to?”

He had hoped. “SHIELD is your home.” 

“SHIELD was my home.”

“Why can’t it become home again?”

“Is this really what this is about for you?” She asked. Was this all about SHIELD and had she thoroughly misjudged the situation? She was getting just as frustrated. He wasn’t listening. “You just want me back at SHIELD? And to do what exactly?”

“Piloting the bus, fighting by my side.”

“Really? That’s why I need to come back? You have plenty of capable agents to do that. You don’t need me by your side.” 

He mumbled something but she didn’t hear it. She was done with being the one to stay calm. “I cannot go back to SHIELD, Phil. If I do six months from now, a year, two years, I don’t know how long but I do know what we will eventually end up here again. Not trusting each other, being apart and more important being unhappy. I don’t want this anymore.” She watched him to see if her words were getting through to him. It was hard to say, his eyes too clouded. She took a calming breath. “Do you want me to be happy?”

He’d stopped pacing by now. “Of course.”

“Then why are you so bend on me getting back?”

“You weren’t happy?” It felt like the ground had been pulled from under him. All these years she’d been unhappy at SHIELD, unhappy with him? How could he have not seen that? How could he have been so blind? Where had it gone wrong? If being back with him would make her unhappy, then he had to let go. He had to let go of what he felt and had to find a way to cope with it. 

She could count on Phil to ignore the bigger picture and focus on this. She also heard what he didn’t say. Had she been unhappy in their friendship, unhappy with him? “Near the end, no and that shouldn’t surprise you.” She needed to be careful now. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were unhappy.”

“You’re making this bigger than it is.”

“I’m not.” He argued. “You not being happy is big to deal to me. I never wanted you to be unhappy.”

“I know.” She didn’t want to dwell on this. “I don’t want us to end up hating each other.” She ran a hand through her hair. Why was he so determined to hold onto her going back to SHIELD? Was that all they were together, their job, SHIELD? Without SHIELD was there nothing between them? Was that what he believed? Walking over to the couch she slumped down on the couch. “If we go back to working together the secrets will get in the way again and we’ll end up hurting each other again.” She saw he was about to object, but she stopped him. “You’re the director. You have to keep secrets, you know that as well as I do. As well as I know that something will happen along the way that will make me keep secrets from you. Like I said I don’t want to go there anymore.” She looked at him. He was still on his feet, a short distance between them. His eyes held hers and there was no denying the anguished look. She suspected he saw the same in hers. She hated how at odds they were. “Why are you really so adamant about this?”

He sat down on the other couch. Leaning forward he put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. “Because that’s the only way to have you back in my life.” He said softly.

“Why?” She asked. ”Is our partnership and friendship solely based on SHIELD?” She really wondered what his answer would be. Surely there was more to them than SHIELD.

He stayed silent. Not because he wasn’t sure how to answer her question. Yes, SHIELD had brought them together, but what they were was based on so much more than SHIELD. That was at least how he felt about it. But was he ready to tell her the truth? He wasn’t sure. He still felt like he had to thread carefully as if a wrong move would set them a few steps back when they’d only just started moving forward.

His silence didn’t sit well with her and it made her feel anxious. Did it mean that he was trying to find a way to gently tell her that all they were was indeed SHIELD? It seemed like it because if it wasn’t then why hadn’t he answered already? She shifted in her seat getting more anxious and insecure the longer the silence went on.

Finally he answered. “No.” His voice was strong, ensuring there was no shred of doubt.  
His answer made her relax a bit more. Still she wondered why it took so long for him to say it. 

“Then why?” She asked when he didn’t elaborate.

He hesitated again still unsure of how much he should say. He looked at Melinda, hoping her eyes would give something away but her guard was up. He hated that and he felt himself getting agitated again. By now shouldn’t she know that he would never betray her nor would hurt her?  It had taken him years before she’d felt comfortable enough around him to trust him. Slowly he’d broken through her walls, but after Bahrain they’d been built up again and reinforced. It had taken him once again quite a while before she’d let him in. Or was this still the result of his harsh words? Did she still feel like she needed to keep her guard up around him? Had they not made any progress at all? “Why do you keep doing that?” He didn’t want her to feel that he would hurt her.

She raised an eyebrow. The agitation in his voice was back again, but didn’t understand where it was coming from. “What am I doing?”

“Keeping your guard up around me.” He rubbed his hands over his face. “You shouldn’t, not around me and I thought you knew. I thought by now you trusted me enough.” He swallowed thickly. “If you still feel like it’s necessary than I failed us and I hate that. I hate that you’re keeping me at a distance.”

She cast her eyes downwards. She knew this was a touchy subject for him. It was something they’d struggled with since the beginning. It was probably one of the biggest differences between them. Where Phil was more the wear your heart on your sleeve guy, at least to her, she was more likely to keep her distance. It took her far longer to get close to people, to let people in than it did with him. She wasn’t going to let him turn this back to her. She’d asked him a question. “Don’t turn this around because you don’t want to answer.”

He stayed silent. She was right of course. Though he hated the fact that she still felt the need to protect herself around him. “What do you want me to say?” He asked. 

She was done with this. She was trying and he apparently didn’t want to. “I’m done with this Phil. I’m trying to get us to move forward here, but you seem unwilling. If all we are is SHIELD, than I thoroughly misjudged what we were.” Not giving him a chance to respond she got up and left without looking back.

TBC...


	17. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Phil and Melinda admit their feelings and are ready to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. Well only a epilogue to go after this one. It’s all finally resolved.  
> To those who hung in there with me, thank you! Thank you for the reviews, for the kudos, thank you for reading. This was my first Philinda fic. I hope I’ll write more.

Chapter seventeen

“Don’t leave, Lin.” He said with his back towards her his voice rough with emotion. “I miss you by my side. I miss looking around the room or next to me and not being able to catch your eyes. You’re my anchor, the one I will always want to turn to and I hate that you’re not there. So that’s why I’m desperately holding on to getting you back. It feels like I’m losing you.”

She had her hand already on the door handle, ready to close the door behind them. His words and the slight tremble in his voice made her pause. She leaned her forehead against the door and took a deep breath. “I miss you too, Phil.” Turning around she watched him walk towards her. “I don’t want to lose you either, but we can’t go back to what we were. I want to move forward. I want this,” she waved between them, “whatever this is, to be different. I want it to be stronger, better and I think we can be that if we’re not at SHIELD together anymore.” She moved forward but hesitated.

He titled his head. “How do you see us together if we’re not at SHIELD? Both of us tend to get caught up in saving the world.”

She nodded. “We’re going to have to make time for each other.” She grinned for a brief moment. “Or I’ll have to auction you off more often to get you here.”

He smirked before turning serious. “You don’t have to wait for an auction to get me here.”

“Don’t I?”

“You know you don’t.” He whispered. He was standing close to her, his arms at his side, his fingers in a fist to keep himself from reaching out to her.

She saw and felt the tension radiating off of him. She stepped even closer to him until they almost touched and her hand covered his clenched fist, her thumb brushing his knuckles. She breathed in his familiar scent and it calmed her down. Deciding to give into her urge to get closer to him she shuffled closer and until her head hit his chest. She was glad to feel him immediately wrap his arm around her before putting his head on top of hers. They stood in silence, wrapped up in each other, listening to the other breathing. No words were were spoken, no words were necessary.

“I’m tired of fighting.” Phil whispered, his hold on her never wavering. 

“Me too.” 

They stood wrapped up in each other for a while longer until it was Phil who released her first. He took her hand and guided them back to the couch. He sat down, pulled Melinda with him who quickly molded her body against his, not willing to let the closeness go just yet. Phil felt the same and wrapped his arms around her. Neither said a word. They had finally made an important step both knowing they wanted to move forward. Though it certainly didn’t mean all was well. There was enough to talk about, to get through to be able to give it an honest go. Still for the first time both knew they had the same end goal. That could no longer be what would hold them back, it could only be themselves, their lack of honesty with each other, their lack of communication. On the job their communication, either with or without words, was their strong suit. On a personal level that wasn’t the case. Maybe now though it would be a bit easier.

“Lin.” Phil whispered, leaning his head back to try to look at her. He couldn’t. She was leaning against him, her head on his chest, her hair falling over her face. Judging by her slow steady breathing he guessed she’d fallen asleep. He tightened his arm around her and relished that he was holding her in his arms. It wasn’t too long before Phil fell asleep too. 

Melinda stirred before she held perfectly still. She didn’t remember going to bed and wondered where she was. Slowly she turned on her back and slid her arm to the side. There was no one next to her and since that side of the bed was cold she suspected no one had been there. She looked around. The room didn’t look familiar and she knew she hadn’t made her way to the bed on her own. Lifting the sheet she checked her clothes. Still the same as yesterday’s. She was still at Phil’s apartment, or better said Tony’s apartment. She had always been a light sleeper but Phil putting her to bed apparently hadn’t woken her up. She heard noises outside and got up. She noticed the en suite bathroom and quickly used it before following the noise she heard in the apartment. Making her way to the kitchen, she kept silent and watched Phil moving around. She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. They’d taken an important step yesterday and at a time when she’d been ready to walk away from him. It wouldn’t have been easy but she would have done it. He was wearing black sweatpants and one of his grey SHIELD T-shirt. He looked at ease and relaxed and she liked that. She also liked how nice the shirt fitted his muscular chest.

Sensing he was no longer alone, Phil turned around and smiled. “Good morning.” He greeted her. He turned away again to prepare her a cup of tea.

“Morning.” Melinda muttered before joining him.

“You turned into quite a late sleeper.” By the time he’d woken up, he’d expected Melinda to be either gone or already up. Instead the apartment had been quiet and he’d checked the bedroom to see if she’d left. 

She shrugged it off. “It’s been an eventful couple of days.” She sat down on the bar stool when he put her cup of tea in front of her. “I don’t remember going to bed.” She was still tired. She could feel it in every muscle in her body. Maybe everything since he came back into her life was finally catching up with her. 

“We fell asleep on the couch.” Phil explained. He sat down next to her, his cup of coffee in his hand. “I woke up and tried to wake you up but you were fast asleep. I didn’t think sleeping on the couch would be that comfortable so I carried you to bed.” 

“Mmm.” She hummed before taking a sip from her tea. It was perfect. Phil did always know how to prepare her tea. 

“You need to go in to work today?” 

“No.” 

“You want to stay here today?” He carefully asked. Despite what they’d talked about yesterday he was still unsure about their relationship.

“I can’t.”

He nodded but he was disappointed. 

“I need a change of clothes.” She explained. 

“I suspect you have your go bag in your car.”

He was right. She did. “It’s not..., complete.”

“Whatever you’re missing you can borrow from me.” The thought of her wearing his clothes did something to him. 

“You’re afraid I’m going to run?”

“Maybe.”

“I’m done running, Phil.” She understood his hesitance but wished it wasn’t there. “I’ll go grab my bag.”

He put her hand on hers to stop her. “Let me get it for you.” 

“Really Phil?” Melinda said when she joined him in the living room after her shower. She’d changed into some of her clothes. She was wearing one of his shirts though. That shirt being the reason for her question.

“What?” He tried to go for innocence. 

Holding the edges of the shirt she looked at the familiar red, white and blue shield on it. She was wearing one of his Captain America shirts. “I know you have other shirts.”

“I do.” He grinned. “I like the way this one looks on you.” He’d picked this shirt on purpose. 

She couldn’t help but smile at him. “Did you make me breakfast?” She asked.

He had to stop staring at her. He immediately plated her food and put it down in front of her as soon as she sat down. They ate their breakfast in silence. She could tell something was on Phil’s mind. He was restless, tapping his finger against his coffee mug, or simply tapping the table. She stopped it by putting her hand on his. It settled him down and she finished her breakfast with one hand on his. 

He needed to lay his cards on the table. He felt he was finally ready, knowing she wasn’t going to run away from him. That’s why he was so anxious. Yet her hand on his calmed his nerves and just like her he finished his breakfast with one hand. When she finished he cleaned up their plates before poring her another cup of tea and a cup of coffee for him. Setting the cup down in front of her he took his seat again on the bar stool next to her, but turned his body towards her. It pleased him that she mirrored him. Her dark brown eyes gave nothing away but he had her attention. 

“Yesterday you said you wanted us to move forward.” He started. “I just... I need you to know I want that too. I know I didn’t say that, but I want that too.” He reached his hand out for hers, but hesitated and put it back on his lap. He needed to get this off his chest first. “I told you I lash out when I’m scared and you know that. I get so lost in my head that I forgot about who we are. I forgot to talk to you. I hate myself for doing that because no matter what we went through we always could communicate with each other one way or another. I was struggling with what I’d chosen to ignore for years.” He looked down at his hands, giving himself a moment to collect his thoughts. “I hit me shortly after you joined the team and we were working together again. Remember when Skye got shot by Quinn?” He wasn’t looking at her nor did he look up to see if she knew what he was talking about. “You’d gotten hurt and I tended to your wound. That’s when I knew there was no denying. You were right in front of me but I felt such a distance between us. I didn’t want it to be there, but I didn’t know how to go about that. How to tell you. And I couldn’t because you were with Ward and I had no idea where I stood.”

“Phil.” Melinda whispered. She’d guessed her fling with Ward had hurt him, but other than saying he expected it to not be a problem professionally he’d never indicated how he felt about it personally. Still it had set the end of her fling with Ward into motion. She’d never been invested in it, it hadn’t meant anything. 

“No.” He stopped her from saying more. “I’m not saying this to relive any of that. I just knew I wanted more than what we had, but I was afraid of destroying our friendship because it’s such an integral part of my life but also of who I am. That’s when the struggle started and I never found the right way to deal with it, because I was afraid to rock the boat. Then learning about the secret you kept, I went with the anger and betrayal because it was so much easier than pushing forward, than acknowledging the pain and acknowledging that I was alone in my feelings.”

Melinda reached for his hand, took it in hers and fidgeted a bit with his fingers. “Tell me.” Her voice was still a mere whisper. He’d been avoiding looking at her and she didn’t like that but she understood. It was easier for him this way. Maybe part of him still feared rejection. 

“My feelings for you are all encompassing. I carry them with me in everything I do and they are a part of me. You are a part of me Lin and it took me too long to realize that. I need you in my life as much as I need my next breath. Not having you there scares me and that’s why I kept asking you to come back to SHIELD. I thought that was the only way to have you with me.” He smiled a bit, happy that that was no longer the case. “I know now that it’s not.” He finally looked up and what he saw made him catch his breath. Gone were the walls, gone was whatever had been holding her back. She was letting him in. In her beautiful eyes he saw warmth and love for him. “I want us, Lin. I want you. I love you.” 

Getting up from the bar stool Melinda stood right in front of Phil. Her heart beat wildly in her chest his words the reason for it. He loved her. Part of her had been afraid to never hear him say those words to her. She smiled softly at him before she stepped even closer to stand between his legs. She put her hand at the nape of his neck, her thumb gently caressed his jaw. With only the slightest of pressure she pulled him closer as she leaned it. She merely brushed her lips against his to tease him to get a reaction from him and she did. His hands immediately settled on her hips and he pulled her against him. Their lips met again, this time more than a just brush. He took control. He nibbled at her lower lip before pulling at it gently with his lips. She responded with a groan which he immediately swallowed He deepened the kiss and now it was his turn to groan. He loved the way she tasted and knew he would never get enough of her. Her hands were now wrapped around his neck making sure he was going nowhere. Not that there was any chance that he would leave this very spot. Here with Melinda’s body pressed against his, wrapped in his arms, kissing her, there was nowhere else he wanted to be. Reluctantly he broke their kiss only because the need for air was becoming necessary. He loved how she stayed close, put her head on his shoulder and kissed his neck softly. His arms around her tightened and he let out a content sigh. Copying her he put his head on her shoulder and swayed them just a bit. This was where he’d wanted to be for so long now. This woman was his world and it had taken him too long to get to her. They’d lost so much precious time.

She felt him tense even if it was only a few seconds. Something was up. She kissed his jaw before lifting her head rather reluctantly from his shoulder. Cupping his jaw she made him lift his head from her shoulder until she could look at him. She searched his eyes for a clue as to what was bothering him, but couldn’t find any. She couldn’t resist leaning in to kiss him again. Now that she could, now that she’d tasted him, she never wanted to stop. “Tell me.” She whispered.

“I waisted so much time. We could have...” 

She silenced him with her lips stopping his mind from wandering. “Don’t do this.” She whispered. “We’re here now.”

“I know.” He whispered just as softly before pulling her closer again. His hands roamed from her shoulders to her back, her spine, her lower back and then up again. He couldn’t stop touching her, didn’t want to stop touching her. 

Melinda felt the same. She put her head in the crook of his neck, once more kissing his neck. Her hands caressed his shoulders, his chest, his arms until she reached for his hands and entwined their fingers. Though she knew he had no doubt about her feelings anymore, he deserved and needed to hear she loved him too. He also deserved to know why she’d kept her distance. She lifted her head and looked at him. She couldn’t help but smile. His bright blue eyes held such love for her. She was lucky to have this man in her life. “I didn’t want to keep you at a distance, but I felt like I needed to. To protect myself, to protect you from me.” She paused for a moment. “After Bahrein I struggled, but you were there and your faith in me was the only thing that kept me from going off the deep end. Then you died and I...” She shook her head, she couldn’t say it. “I couldn’t deal with that. When Fury told me you were back from the dead that’s when I promised myself that I wasn’t only going to keep you safe, but I also wouldn’t let myself feel such pain ever again. That’s why I kept my distance, but you made it so difficult. Still I managed because I believed you still loved Audrey. I wanted you to be happy, to be loved and if Audrey could give you that than I was happy for you. I could deal with the loss. Our friendship was still there and I focused on that, hung on to that. But my love for you, it never faded, quite the opposite, it got stronger. Despite you hating me, pushing me away, I never could stop loving you. I don’t think I know how. I put those walls up to protect myself, to make sure I didn’t cross any lines.” She took a deep breath before she said her next words and looked at him. “I love you Phil Coulson. I want us, I want you, I want it all.” 

He pulled her in again, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply, urgently. His hands found their way in her hair, the silk strands wrapped around his fingers as he kept her close. He cherished the soft moans she made. It was once again the need for air that separated them. “Thank you.” He knew it wasn’t easy for her to open herself up and he felt privileged of the trust she had in him, the trust she put in him. He loved her even more for it. “Just so you know I’m never going to let you go again.” He leaned in once more to brush his lips against hers. 

She smiled against his lips. “Good, ‘cause you’re stuck with me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Standing up he wrapped her in his arms pulling her against his chest. He loved how she snuggled against him, nuzzled her head against his chin and squeezed him tightly. He kissed the top of her head before he put his on top of hers. They were finally home. 

The End...


	18. The auction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for the auction. Pepper and Melinda have some fun. Tony and Phil get auctioned off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so this is it. The final chapter, the epilogue. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> To all who read, thank you for taking the time! I really appreciete it. Thank you for going on this journey with me.

Epilogue

“Sold for $ 5.000 to the beautiful lady in the silver dress.” The auctioneer announced as the crowd cheered and clapped loudly.

Never one to shy away from a moment of applause and attention, Tony took it all in with some waves to the crowd and a bow. Stepping down the stage he made his way through the crowd to the woman who had just won an evening with him. He shook hands with several people who congratulated him before he finally got to his date. He winked at Pepper before turning to the woman who had spent so much money on him. All for the children of course. He’d been surprised, expecting Pepper to come to his rescue and he suspected the money spend had been arranged by Pepper. “Melinda, you shouldn’t have.”

“I almost hadn’t.” She and Pepper had agreed since they’d made the men participate in the auction they would ensure they wouldn’t get auctioned off to a stranger. There had been quite a lot of bids on Tony. Many people wanting to pick his brain for an evening. But she had managed to buy Tony and if all went well, Pepper would buy Phil. That being said, Pepper’s budget for Tony was quite different from her budget for Phil. So there was a slight chance it could still go wrong. They also hadn’t told Tony or Phil about their plan. She grinned as she imagined Phil’s glare from the stage when he found out she wasn’t bidding. She’d also agreed with Pepper that she would refrain from bidding in the beginning just to let him sweat a bit.

“Now, let’s bring to the stage our next volunteer.” The crowd cheered and applauded when Phil took the stage. He was dressed in a grey suit, white button up shirt and a grey and blue tie. Melinda smiled watching him, with his familiar swagger, walk onto stage. They’d seen each other yesterday evening for the first time in two weeks. He’d turned up at her apartment later than expected but it had been good to have his arms around her again. It still surprised her how he made her feel. He had become home to her, or maybe he had always been. She caught his eyes as he stood next to the auctioneer. She grinned. Pepper and her had come up with his introduction. They’d quite a bit of fun with it. 

“Phil is a consultant for Stark Industries. If you want to talk consulting, cyber security or politics, he’s your man. But don’t let the suit fool you. Phil runs, he spars and he’s in great shape. Maybe you want to spar with him, he’s game. He does have a softer side too. Phil’s a big comics fan, Captain America is his favorite.” The auctioneer paused for a moment before continuing. “Now I’ve also heard that Phil’s a great dancer so ladies if you want an evening filled with dancing, he’s your man.” The auctioneer hesitated before reading the next lines on his cards. “This next bit is kind of unusual but if it helps the bidding, I’m all for it. Phil’s perfect date starts with a nice dinner, eating spicy Indian food, before going to a karaoke bar. There Phil will sing you every song you want. There will be dancing too, Phil loves to dance and he’ll keep dancing till your feet hurt. And then after that perfect date he’ll drive you home in Lola, his precious car.” 

During the introduction Phil’s eyes widened with every word before his eyes settled on Melinda. He glared at her and she gave him a small wave. Her smirk getting bigger the more he glared. He couldn’t help but smile at her. He’d missed her, those two weeks that they’d been apart. They’d talked almost every day and though it wasn’t easy to not see her every day and he still worried about her, he was confident in their commitment to each other. She was his home and he was hers. He was brought out of his reverie by the auctioneer who had started the bidding. 

There were quite a few people bidding, but so far the amount was still manageable. Melinda caught Phil’s eyes and saw the question. He wanted her to bid on him. She looked at Pepper and shook her eyes. Not yet, she wanted to make him sweat just a little bit longer. By now the only two left bidding were a dark haired man with glasses and a woman with blond hair. They were up to a $1000. 

Phil was surprised Melinda hadn’t bid yet, even more so she wasn’t even attempting to make a bid. He was even more surprised when the man who was bidding on him starting to wink at him. However the blond woman made him uncomfortable when she started to lick her lips when she looked at him. He looked at Melinda, hoping she would bid on him soon. He didn’t have much time away from SHIELD as it was and when he did he wanted to spend every minute with her. Not with either one of the people who were bidding on him. Plus that whole introduction could have given the wrong idea. He didn’t even want to consider possibility. 

By now the bidding was up to $1500. Melinda had caught Phil’s desperate look and she knew she had to help him out. She nodded at Pepper. When Pepper entered the bidding Melinda saw Phil relax. 

“Going once for $2000, going twice...” The auctioneer was about to finish the bidding. He looked around and saw no one making another bid. “Sold to the lady in the red dress. Congratulations Miss. You have an evening of karaoke and dancing to look forward to.” 

Phil sighed in relief as he quickly made his way off the stage. Making his way to Melinda the blond woman approached him and stopped him. “You can sing to me or dance with me any time you want tiger.” She purred at him. She slid her hand over his chest, putting a piece of paper in the pocket of his suit jacket. 

“No thank you.” He politely declined and removed her hand from his chest. He quickly left her behind. 

He was glad no one else interrupted him till he joined Melinda. He smiled when he caught her eyes. She always looked beautiful, but the silver dress she was wearing made his breath caught in his throat. He loved the sparkle in her eyes and loved the way she looked at him. She loved him. He didn’t doubt that anymore. He couldn’t, not when she looked at him like that. Finally at her side, he slid his arm around her waist and pulled her against his side. As she titled her chin towards him, he kissed her softly, his lips lingering for a moment. Reluctantly he pulled back. He kept his arm wrapped around her though, kept her body against his side. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing her temple and loved how she cuddled closer when he did so. 

“Karaoke and dancing, huh.” Phil said. 

Pepper and Melinda looked at each other and laughed. “What? It helped with the bidding, didn’t it?” Pepper offered.

“What if that guy or that woman had won the bidding?” 

“Then you had something to look forward to.” 

“Well it did result in me getting that woman’s number.” He reached in his pocket for the piece of paper but didn’t find it.

“A phone number you don’t need.” Melinda said, throwing the piece of paper on their table. 

The slightly jealous tone in her voice, though maybe not obvious to others, was clear to him and he couldn’t help but smile. He liked it that she was possessive of him. He squeezed her waist for a brief moment making her look at him. “A number I don’t want.” He said softly before brushing his lips with hers.


End file.
